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Decoding Formation: who me??
By Sister Julie | October 31, 2006
In my last post about Decoding Formation, I gave a very basic introduction to the idea of formation and discernment. Now here’s a little “behind the scenes” look at what it can sometimes feel like when you discover that maybe, just maybe, God is calling you to religious life.
It all starts with that tiny little part of you that decides that you are going to be open to God’s call. After that, it’s all over. Being open to God’s call sounds like a good and holy thing (and it is), but it can also be rather messy, complicated, and downright uncomfortable. God has this way of thinking that he is, well, God, so often his ideas are not exactly what I had in mind when I first decided to be open to him.
Like the whole religious life thing. Being a nun was not at all on my radar screen. I was taught by a few nuns and even had a couple nun friends … but I did not under any circumstances want to be a nun. So when I was confronted with the possibility (why? because I thought I was being good by trying the “open” thing), I kept thinking, “Who me?? What did I ever do to suggest that I’d think this was a good thing for me??” Turns out that being a nun was the best thing that could have happened to me. But it was a difficult process of letting go of my assumptions about nuns and religious life, coming to terms with my relationship with the Roman Catholic Church, overhauling my relationships with others, and taking a sober look at who I truly am. Even though the process was a bit rocky for me, I wouldn’t change any of it because it helped me to be more in touch with reality, God, myself and others. Even if I didn’t continue in religious life, it would have been one of the greatest blessings of my life.
The initial discovery of a possible vocation is not always this rocky. I for one went kicking and screaming, but others can be very welcoming of God’s call to become a religious. Either way, we all have to go through the process of finding a real answer to the question “who me?” for it forces us to think about how and why God may be calling YOU, not somebody next door, but YOU. That can be an awesome and terrifying thing. At the same time it can be attractive and joyful. These seemingly opposed feelings … terror (”No! Not me! Stay away!”) and attraction (”Yes, I’m kind of liking this. I feel peaceful.”) can happen simultaneously.
The key is to hang in there with all the questioning. Whether it results in a vocation to religious life or not, it doesn’t really matter (even though it feels like that is the main point). The fact is that God is calling you to a deeper relationship with himself. He is trusting that you are ready for this next moment in your lifelong adventure with him. Maybe ultimately you are being drawn to religious life. But what is so much more important than that is being drawn into a relationship with God, wherever that relationship may take you. Embrace the questions, live into the mystery, find a home for both the feelings of terror and attraction, pray, and see what today brings.
For the next installment in this series, click here: Decoding Formation: Initial Inquiry.
Topics: NUN 101, discernment, formation, vocations |
October 31st, 2006 at 10:47 am
That sounds…eerily familiar…when I knew I had to go into composition. It was like this wild leap into nowhere, but oddly peaceful at the same time.
October 31st, 2006 at 1:32 pm
“live into the mystery…”
I like that phrase a lot.
November 7th, 2006 at 4:41 pm
Kinda like the “Who me” line …. at our Community Meetings last week, the chair of our Planning Committee was giving her report as we begin some long-range planning, and how we need everyone’s involvement. “After all, our next prioress might be sitting in the chair right next to you …. She might even be sitting in your chair.”
May 16th, 2007 at 10:20 pm
this is good to know…I always had thought you just knew you were going to be a nun from the very first time you think about it. But it’s good to know others are going through the same struggles…I’d rather God just come out and say, “Hey, you. You should be a nun.” Then I’d know it’s Him and I’d obey Him.
Now…it feels like I’m heeding my own thoughts instead; I have no real way of knowing which thought originated from God, except that all of them do. And that helps a lot. Right.
May 17th, 2007 at 6:09 am
yeah, it would be nice for God to do that. I said the same thing in my early days of discernment. But God is pretty cool in that God leaves us free to make a choice. Of course we always have grace which helps us along. God’s grace is in all of our feelings and attractions and thoughts as well. So just because you might think, “could this thought about being a nun just come from me?” know that God is in that as well. You’re right, sometimes we have no way of knowing. What I have found to be helpful is to make choices to move toward the good that I think I may be called to. That helps me try it out a bit, and not just leave it in the realm of my thoughts and feelings about the thing. That doesn’t mean go out and be a nun, but take some steps that are manageable for you to see if that life attracts you. God is with you one way or the other and will always draw you to what is ultimately good for you and for the People of God. Blessings to you, bookwritegirl.
August 2nd, 2007 at 4:15 pm
I am at the point in my life where I am tired of this world and everything in it. I have tried to do everything my way and it never had the results I wished for. I finally had to tell myself “Stop running Jonah” tired of being in the belly of a whale and I got to the point where I said Lord, I just completely surrender my life to you let your will be done. I know we are in the last days and Jesus can come back anyday now, I feel like God has been very patiently waiting for me to make this decision and I am ready and at peace with my decision. I know it is hard work ahead and a huge sacrifice and adjustment to a new life that I am not accustomed to but nothing is in comparison to the reward that awaits you in heaven……………and to work for his KINGDOM
Camille,
Blessings to every believer, who contributed to this very informative site, it is really helpful.
Thank you
August 30th, 2007 at 12:04 pm
This is very interesting information. I am just 23 and living in South Africa. I am not really saying that I am meant to be a nun but I feel like I am called into a life of peace and purpose. it’s like my soul is yearning for a sabbatical or something. I am doing drama here and I feel so weird but thanx for the reassurance.
September 5th, 2007 at 3:03 am
Wow! I’m glad other people have already realised the things I just have! I think Jesus must just laugh at us sometimes (lovingly!) because there are so many conflicting emotions all happening at once! We are truly fearfully and wonderfully made :)!!
September 25th, 2007 at 5:59 pm
well, I’m really confused. Not because of the article, though. I feel like I’m called to a religious life…something close to a nun, but not necessarily one. I feel half-called. Is that possible? I’m so young and I really just want to go with the flow but sometimes I feel a pain in my soul when I think about being a nun….lately I haven’t eaten much and have been really down about this…I always feel on the verge of tears….sometimes I think
well maybe I could be a nun
but then sometimes I feel like…?????
I’m not sure if God’s calling be to be specifically “a nun”…its literally what I think about a lot…its a tug of war type feeling. I feel like I want to know about what life is like as a nun now so I don’t have the decision hang over my head for the next 10 or so years
September 25th, 2007 at 5:59 pm
it hurts so badly….
September 26th, 2007 at 8:48 am
Christina … Discernment can be a pretty crazy time. A person might feel totally peaceful one moment and utterly restless another. Sometimes these feelings come right at the same exact time. (I know it’s counter-intuitive, but trust me, those of us who have experienced it know!)
I had similar experiences in my discernment days. What I have found is that what makes me best “go with the flow” is being a religious. For me they are one and the same. The way I came to that for myself is to try out the nun thing. With religious life you can’t really know for sure until you experience it. That’s why there are periods of getting to the community and formation. If you feel a tug, best to explore it … maybe a quiet weekend at a convent retreat house or getting a spiritual director with whom you can chat about these things. Do you know sisters personally? Get to know some — volunteer at one of their ministries or in their motherhouse. There are lots of things you can do to test the waters without actually signing up. Hang in there, Christina, and know that you are in my prayers. Sister Julie
September 28th, 2007 at 9:26 am
when will you ever be sure if you are called to be a nun?
and does being a nun mean you can’t wear make-up, go on shopping sprees and be financially wealthy?
October 2nd, 2007 at 9:21 am
Good question, Faith. I often asked that question. Once I posed it to my spiritual director, who at the time was a nun for 50 years, and she said there’s often no perfectly clear moment (though I’m sure some people are blessed to have that moment) … it’s really something you live into, that you say yes to every day of your life. Just like in a marriage, the couple continually chooses one another … otherwise, they just fade away from one another. There are always helpful signs along the way … like if you feel like you are becoming more of yourself, if you are growing in love and service, if you feel at peace (though perhaps uncomfortable or uncertain).
There’s no formal rule against make-up –however, you probably won’t see sisters decked out in eyeshadow, mascara, and fire engine red lipstick. It’s okay to be a sister and look nice and presentable.
Shopping sprees are probably out. Sisters hold all things in common. That means that “my” money and possessions are really “ours”. When I get a paycheck, it isn’t just for me to use. It is for the community. Do I have the money for the things I need? Yes. But the rest goes to the community and to serve our mission.
There is nothing wrong with being financially wealthy, but since a sister’s money isn’t her own, she can’t be financially wealthy as an individual. A religious community may have strong financial assets, but those assets go to maintaining the community (e.g., buildings, healthcare, etc.) and serving the mission (e.g., sending out missionaries, creating educational scholarships, etc.)
October 6th, 2007 at 9:23 pm
I am really feeling this right now and it’s terrifying and comforting all at once. I used to be religious, but questioned it and branched off into this whole “what religion is right for me?” type thing. I guess in a way, you could say that my interest in different religions turned into “phases”.
I’ve looked into ones you heard of and ones you’d never heard of in your life.
Now, I find myself believing in a god I firmly believed wasn’t there. I’m still not sure if god is there or not, but if there wasn’t a god, why do I feel as if I am being called into living my life as a nun?
I don’t get it, and I don’t think I want to get it, but I want to get it all at once. Maybe once I get it, I’ll run for the hills and think that I had a serious lack of judgement, but I won’t know until I try and I have to admit that I am deathly afraid of trying out this path-probably because I don’t feel as if I am deserving of it.
There are better women out there who could pull this off without a second thought…but me? I don’t know if or why god would want me to do this. I’m always questioning things and can make something simple terribly complicate just because I can.
For example, something as simple as a short comment has now turned into a full-on confession of my confusion and inner war with whatever the hell this is. And now I’m swearing. Not particularly virtuous of me…
March 10th, 2008 at 8:44 am
Now let’s see, a very strange thing is happening to me. I am in my thirties, I’ve got a teenage son and a wonderful partner - and yet somehow I feel that being part of a community of sisters that works ad majorem gloriam dei is something I feel attracted to (realizeing that it must be the “roughest kind of prose”, as in your quotation, Sister Julie). Don’t worry, I am not going to run away from my family, who I love, because I know that this is where I am meant to be right now - but there’s this tiny voice somewhere in the more remote corners of my mind that says: “This is IT for now - but this may not be IT for the rest of your life. You may yet be called to do very, very unexpected things, and this might be one of them.”
Very strange, really. I’m not even that religious-minded.
March 11th, 2008 at 5:06 am
kokopelli … it’s so true that when we are open to the Spirit, we may be called to unexpected things … still, there’s an attraction, a magnetism that pulls us in. Who knows what the Spirit is calling you to … what is for sure is that wherever you are, whatever your life looks like, you are called here and now to seek God … through your own ponderings, through your relationships with your son and partner, through your everyday “little” interactions with other people and the world. If part of that is getting to know a religious community better, then check it out. Many of our communities have associates, that is, women and men who are married or single, Catholic or otherwise, young and old, etc. who want to be part of our mission in a committed way via their existing life commitments. For those who are not called to be a religious, it is a way to be part of a community working ad majorem gloriam dei, for the greater glory of God. Peace to you, koko. Sister Julie
April 11th, 2008 at 6:09 am
hi i am enquiringabout comeing a nun. i have been off work for 5 mounths. and whilst i have been getting well ,i feel i have been speakig to god many times. after reading the article in the you magazine i have pluked up the courage to get intouch with you. i am going to tell my prist this weekend. however i also feel he might laugh at me. i have been married twice and divorced twice. i went back to my catholic faith about 4 years ago, i have never not belived in god but i needed to reserch other faiths untill i could be good cathlic. can you advice me on which path to follow and how to start my journey .
kind regards
linda
April 11th, 2008 at 6:04 pm
Hi Linda, Blessings to you as you talk to your priest. Many of us have had pretty colorful pasts, some good, some bad! And there’s nothing wrong with researching other faiths. I’m glad that it helped strengthen your own faith.
I encourage you to get in touch with sisters in your area. It’s important to get to know sisters, see how they live, minister, and pray. You can also get to know different congregations by surfing the internet — check out my page “Blogs by Catholic Nuns“. Also go to Vision Network, a web site to help you sort things out and find nuns in your area or anywhere.
Blessings, Linda. My prayers are with you.
Sister Julie
April 18th, 2008 at 4:27 pm
Hi there. In reading the comment thread along with your post, I find it interesting…it seems to me that God is calling out for His sheep on a grand scale lately, bringing in the prodigals (like me) along with the new ones, gathering His flock together on a grander scale of late. I’ve been thinking that for a time and I know I’m also called to a vocation with Him - though likely not as a nun (I’m a protestant, and divorced). Still, through whatever means He calls us, He has His purposes and I absolutely relate to what you say about the, as I like to call it, “serene chaos” that takes place when you firmly and fully place your life and its direction in His hands. It’s exciting, it’s terrifying, and it takes you to places you never dreamed you’d go, but in His own Word, over 300 times, He tells us - Fear Not.
And so the choice is clear. I “fear” (revere) only God and will serve only Him unto the ends of the earth.
God bless.
April 21st, 2008 at 11:46 am
Thanks for writing, “Crack(ed)Pot”. God calls whomever God chooses. Often, I’ve found, it’s not always the super-holy or super-pious ones, but some of us average folks. I like your term “serene chaos” — we might only see chaos but to God there is perfect order, a masterpiece.