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Experiencing loneliness in one’s vocation
Question from Jess …
Hi Sister, Do you feel lonely as a nun? Do you feel lonely not having a family and how do you deal with it? The call to be single and without family is pretty huge. How do you cope?
I’ve written a little about feeling lonely and being a nun at Do Nuns Ever Feel Lonely? I also asked Sister Laurel, about being a hermit and experiencing loneliness. The loneliness, in many ways, is no different than the loneliness that one feels as a single person, as a person in a committed relationship, or as a married person. Loneliness for me has to do with that part of me that only God can fill. Sometimes I try to fill it with things that are not God – other relationships, my work, various distractions, etc. These things in themselves are not bad or wrong, but when I put them in the place that God alone can fill, then I’m the one who suffers that feeling of loneliness because I’ve placed things in between God and myself.
Now in terms of being a nun or being a single person, there is another kind of loneliness – the loneliness of not having an exclusive and committed partner, that one person who is there for you in all ways, the person you come home to and share your life with. In my 10+ years as a religious, I certainly have felt this kind of loneliness or longing for that one person – often it is a fleeting feeling, something that pops up after seeing a mushy romance flick or seeing the beautiful ways that couples I know live and grow together in love. But for me it’s not a bad feeling or one that causes me regret. The reason is because I am at home in my vocation and in my IHM community. I am at home with God. It’s okay to feel like, wow what would it have been like if I had married so-and-so? What would it be like to give birth, to hold my own child? I can reflect on these, maybe grieve them a bit, but I always return to the joy and delight in the life that I have chosen by the grace of God. I delight in my nephews and the children of my family and friends. I rejoice in the hospitality and love shown to me by my family’s families and my friend’s families. It’s not the same as having your own, true. But for me, it is enough.
A nun’s singleness is different from a single person’s singleness. Catholic sisters and nuns are called into a life of community. Our common life – sharing all finances, possessions, mission, gifts, etc. I have my wonderful Vieira family – parents, siblings, assorted relatives – and I have my IHM family. These are women with whom I vow to live for God through our particular charism and way of life. They are companions on the journey with me, there with me in good times and bad.
Though single people do not have a built-in community like nuns do, I think it would be important to have people around you that share in your vocation and that can support and encourage you. If you feel called to lifelong singlehood as a vocation from God, I encourage you to seek a spiritual director who can help you discern and authentically and joyfully live this call. As with all vocations, it is not without its struggles but it also has its joys and adventures!
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It is interesting to me to think about loneliness in today’s world. I sometimes think that a lot of what is called loneliness is the need for the distraction from self others provide. Much of what is called loneliness is a fear of or anxiety with regard to solitude. We live in a culture and even in a world where communication is ubiquitous: cell phones, IM’s, email, texting, etc, and it has all reached addictive and epidemic proportions. And yet, people are more isolated and lonely than ever. so what’s up with all that?
I think we generally are uncomfortable with ourselves, with our deep and real selves, and have never actually developed a deep relationship with God either. Oh sure, we pray occasionally, but that is a different matter. We simply cannot deal with genuine solitude (which, by the way is a relational term since God is always there.) Sometimes what is identified as loneliness is the real deal: a terrible need to share our lives with someone on a level which is profound and lifegiving for both of us, but oftentimes it is really a sneaky and inaccurate way of referring to the need for distraction and the fear of coming to terms with our deepest selves and the God who resides there and summons us to himself.
Sorry for butting in here; just my two cents worth from the perspective of the hermitage!!
All my best, Sister Julie,
Sister Laurel M O’Neal, Erem Dio
Stillsong Hermitage
Diocese of Oakland
Wish I had proofread that comment for punctuation errors! Oh well! Meanwhile, I know this is off-topic, and I apologize for that, but please check out the new initials! My Bishop granted permission for the use of these (standing for Diocesan Hermit) in response to a request of mine a number of months ago. Other Canon 603 hermits are adopting them even now, and though they are not terribly common, people might see them around. What it is hoped is these initials indicate not our identity in community (because those sharing them are not a congregation; thjey remain solitary hermits), but rather our share in a particular charism which we think is unique to the diocesan hermit (as contrasted with hermits in communities and non-canonical hermits.)
all my best,
Sister Laurel
Stillsong Hermitage
There are several aspects of family when living in community. Not only do I have my “blood” family, and my congregational family, I find that the relatives of my sisters also accept me as family.
But it’s true that attitude affects this whole perspective. I didn’t feel lonely when living with one elderly sister because we worked at living community. However, I was often lonely when I lived in a larger community that felt more like a hotel than a home.
But that’s when I utilize those God-given gifts of postage stamps, telephones and the internet.
When I read the article I was aware of how lonliness changes over time. It is not always the same. I think I can say this not only for the loneliness that sisters experience but the loneliness others experince as well. My married cousins share about loneliness in their lives and I hear a difference as they go through different stages of life.
I can remember when I was very young in religious life that loneliness centered a bit around sex–or the lack of genital sex. There was a kind of longing or ache there that was probably a sign of normalness. That was how I dealt with it. Sometimes, I just said, “I must still be alive. Thank God.” Then I remember a time when it was babies that seemed to be calling. As they say, “The grass is always greener on the other side.” So I think I saw the joys of parenthood in isolation from the struggles. I saw children as loving their parents, dependent on them and formed by them. That all sounded nice–being loved and needed.
Later in life, I think it was a desire to have someone be committed to understanding me. You know, a husband would be duty-bound to understand me. Like that ever happens! But when you are craving understanding, as all human beings do, it seems like a possibility. And sometimes it is just the thought of quiet companionship that is longed for and attractive.
Now it must sound like I am lonely all the time. But that isn’t so. The occasions are rare, but I wanted to say–loneliness changes with life and grows more toward what I picture as a loving relationship with God–understanding, companionship, etc.
I m quite sure that as a religious I experience no more and no less loneliness than anyone else. And I am grateful to feel the connections with others that have come from my commitment to this life.
Thank you Sister for such a well thought out (and most importantly, honest!) answer to this question. Just reading your post and the other comments left leads me to conclude (or at least hope!) that God brings us love and fulfilment no matter what our state in life may be.
I was out to dinner with a friend of mine a few weeks ago. As I was feeling blue, we delved into some of the less positive aspects of our lives, i.e., disappointments, unmet expectations, struggles, etc. My friend said that there was a book that she read while in formation (yes, she is a sister) that contained the following statement she would never forget (paraphrased at best):
We tend to compare the REALITY of our lives with the IDEALS of others’
lives.
Wow! How true is that, I thought. I may admire the women with an abundance of financial resources but miss the fact that her husband is a raging alcoholic that sometimes beats her. A sister or unmarried woman may be drawn to the sweetness of a woman pushing her toddler on a swing. But what she does not know is that the mother was up all night with this toddler 5 days last week – cleaning up every night after multiple bouts of stomach flu. On the other hand, the mother might cherish the image of a sister quietly praying in front of the Blessed Sacrament … unaware of the fact this is the first time she has been able to do this in months – her job as a pastoral associate has kept her so busy she barely has time for a hot meal!
The point is that we often do compare ourselves with others in times of trouble – whether that be depression, disappointment or lonliness. And sometimes these comparisons make us feel worse when everybody seems to have it better than we do. But, as the quote above states, our comparisons rarely reflect reality.
dee