Question from Christina, a visitor to A Nun’s Life …
Hello Sister, My son and I were watching the Rosary tonight and he asked,”can Sisters be married and still be a Sister?” I didn’t know the answer to this question so I’m asking you for help.
The answer very simply is no. Catholic Sisters and Nuns cannot get married. Here’s why.
When a woman becomes a nun or sister (or a man becomes a monk/brother/friar), she makes 3 vows: a vow of poverty, a vow of obedience, and a vow of celibacy. So just as married people make vows to each other — that they will love one another and be a family for their whole lives, “till death do us part”, so to do sisters make vows to God within the context of her religious community (her family) for her whole life. These are two different kinds of life commitments.
As a married person, your love for God is expressed through love of your spouse and children and through the work that you do. As a sister, your love for God is expressed through your community life with your nuns and through prayer and ministry. There are similarities, but the two life commitments are mutually exclusive.
It is possible, however, for a woman who has been married and is no longer married in the eyes of the Church to become a nun. It is also possible for a woman who was a nun and left the convent validly to get married. But she cannot do both at the same time.
Many thanks for the question, Christina, and son!
What thoughts do you have on this question?
{ 37 comments… read them below or add one }
Hi Sr. Julie-
I remember reading about how a long time ago, once in a while a married couple (with no or grown children) would separate and either become a monk/nun, or simply live in a convent or friary. Would you comment on that, please?
Your friend,
-Jason
Hi Jason. I have heard of that, though nothing recently. A married couple may, for a time, practice continence, that is, not engaging in sexual activity. If they are validly married, I’m not sure that they could validly become a full-fledged nun and monk. Their marriage would have to be annulled (declared invalid). I have heard of widows and widowers who, after their spouse has died, becomes a nun or monk. I’ll have to do some more checking about the phenomenon of which you write. Blessings!
I know of a family were the mother and stepfather/adoptive father decided to have their marriage annulled. The father became a priest and years later so did one of the two sons. The mother and the daughter went to different cloisters but both left after a short time. The mother went to work at the rectory and the daughter went back to college. A lovely family. It just seemed like they were living the life of some saints from the middle ages!
In response to the question, don’t forget that there are tertiary/associate/oblate groups for lay people who live in their own homes but live the spirituality of some order, like the Secular Franciscans or the Benedictine Oblates.
I knew a fellow who had been in a terrible marriage. His wife had left him some twenty years before and, as he neared retirement age, he decided he wished to end his days as a monk. He went off to Gesthemani where he lived as an oblate. From what I understand, any religious community can allow someone to live with them as an oblate, as oblates do not take formal vows.
Sorry to nitpick, but in the monastic tradition (at least according to the Rule of St Benedict) we don’t vow poverty and celibacy but rather obedience, conversion of life and stability. However the practical implications are the same as poverty and celibacy are assumed under conversion of life!
I have sometimes been asked whether, if priests were allowed to marry, we would also be “allowed” to marry! Such questions reflect a misconception about celibacy and a failure distinguish between celibacy as a discipline, which in the western Church has become linked to the priesthood, and celibacy as intrinsic to a form of life. Unfortunately the two become confused and the motivation for religious celibacy is less apparent. I once lived with a Byzantine Catholic monastic community who were served by a married priest and that experience served to underline the for me that religious celibacy is a very specific vocation, something that is sometimes lost in general perceptions especially when people are – justifiably in my opinion – asking questions about clerical celibacy.
Many thanks for the clarification, Sister Macrina. Out of curiosity and a desire to be accurate, would monastic life then be considered “religious life” technically speaking? or “consecrated life”? How exactly are distinctions made?
Hi, is it a vow of celibacy or one of chastity? Or one of both…..
could you please clarify?
Hi Francis. Religious do not profess both, only one or the other (some don’t profess either … see Sister Macrina’s comment above). Chastity and celibacy are often used interchangeably, but they do have different meanings.
Chastity is abstention from unlawful sexual intercourse. Being chaste is something that all Catholics are called to observe. For married people, chastity means not having sex with someone other than your spouse. For single people and religious, none of whom are married, chastity means not having sex at all.
Celibacy is the state of being unmarried. If a person is unmarried it automatically implies that the person is also not having sex because, as mentioned above, all Catholics are called to live chastely.
Some religious communities profess a vow of celibacy, others a vow of celibacy. The upshot is the same. No marriage, no sex.
Check out the story of Cornelia Connolly who lived in the 1800’s. She and her husband were American Episcopalians. They became Catholic and he got a dispensation from the Pope so that he could become a priest. The children were placed in boarding schools and Cornelia went off to a convent in Rome to work as a teacher. She suffered a lot at the thought of breaking up her family but it was the nineteenth century and it was what he wanted. Cornelia went on to start her own religious community (SHCJ’s) and when her husband got tired of the priesthood and Catholicism, he sued her for restoration of conjugal rights. He didn’t win but he did succeed in alienating Cornelia’s children from her. Sad story; you can’t make this stuff up.
Sister Julie, I love your blog. You are a blessing to many!
Merry Christmas!
Thanks for the informative reply, you managed to clear my doubts and clarify the issue really well! Ty Sr. Julie, I am a regular reader of your blog (feed)! Keep going!
Just testing.
Thanks, Jeff and Francis. And hello, deerose!
I just want to add, with regard to chastity, it also means proper sexual relations; in other words, it’s possible for a man to lust for his wife, and vice versa, in that, he or she sins. (This is scriptural). Even in marriage, a man and a woman cannot be self-seeking, for the marital act is one of self-sacrifice; anything contrary to that is a sin against chastity. Self-pleasure, etc, is also an act against chastity, whether married, single, or religious.
Thanks for the addition, Adoro.
Sr. Julie,
Please comment on The Order of Augustinians of the Immaculate Heart of Mary (AIHM) This order permits marriage for man and woman.
Thank you and His Blessings,
Ronald
Dear RJ, I don’t really know that much about the AIHM order nor about the Independent Catholic Christian Church with which they are affiliated. In general I think it’s great that there are different options for people to serve God and follow their vocation.
Hi! I hve a question… can nuns leave the (nunhood?) and get married?
Yes, nuns can leave and get married. They must be dispensed from their vows by the Church.
Is it a sin to leave the sisterhood? Is it like a divorce in the Catholic Church? Do you get excommunicated from the Church?
It is not a sin to leave the sisterhood nor is it really comparable to divorce, although it may feel that way to the sister and her community. A sister who is leaving a community will first (following discernment, discussion, etc.) go through a period of exclaustration, that is living outside of the community (or “cloister” as it were). She may then be released from her vows through the leader of the congregation — this involves consulting other sisters in leadership as well as seeking permission from Rome or the local bishop (depending on the type of community). Provided the process is followed in good faith, the woman remains in good standing with the Church and lives like any other lay person in the Church.
Can anyone quote from the Bible, or give any references from God asking men women to stay un-married and serve him ?
Hi Valentine, Off the top of my head, check out Saint Paul’s first letter to the Corinthians 7:7-11.
Sister with all respect I need to comment on this answer, as perhaps there is some information that you are not familiar with and wanted to help to clarify this if I may?
Yes ,married women now do and can be married. Just as Orthodox men can be married IF they are already before taking vows. It seems that Autocephelous or Independent Benedictine Catholics and Episcopal Bendictines do allow married women to become a Sister after finishing their Postulant and Novice training.
The White Robed Monks and the Cistercian Order Of The Holy Cross, are churches and the name of sites that people can go to for information on this. They are to lead a life of Work,prayer( Ora labora) and study.
There may be more I do not know about. There are many Catholic Churches not just Roman Catholic. BUT, if we are ONLY talking of Roman Catholic I must say you are absolutely correct!
Thought that some people may have heard about the other’s and this may be confusing for them?
Thanks, Carol. I guess I should have specified that I was addressing Roman Catholic religious life.
Carol
This obviously means that the ladies concerned are married before entering the religious life . A postulant may not marry
Sister Julie
In the event of a Sister leaving her community because of breaking her vow of chastity and finding her “boyfriend” is married and not goung to leave his wiffe would the community take her under their pastoral wing especially in the rare case of pregnancy
Dear Sister
Sorry for these questions
1 Has a religious community ever admitted to novitiate a lady who has had non-marital sexual intercourse and later announces pregnancy
2 Have you known any sister who has gone off the rails and broken her vows after profession?
3 I have read of abuse of sisters by missionary priests including claiming the act of non-marital sex would not vio;late their vows also that in oprder to qualify foer their work they would have to submit to intercourse with ordained men the sisters being effectively told that refusal of sex to the priests was breaking their vow of obedience. Of course this was in a setting other than Europe or North America where tribal law enjoins women to subservient obedience to anybody in authority without taking account of abuse of their status by those demanding that respect. We know that undergoing systematic abuse does not come under the vow of obedience as what is required is obedience to a moral request. If anybody who takes a vow of obedience is requested to obey a command to do wrong they have the duty to refuse even if it means admonishing who may also be violating a promise made before God. Have you met any sisters who have had toleave their communities because o0f abuse cloaked by the vow of obedience i.e being told that refusing sex would offend against the vow of obedience to people in authority over them.
All of this suggests that o0rdained men guilty of such abuse should resign their positions of trust in the Church and ask to be laicised .
Hi John, No problem with the questions. Regarding your previous comment. It really depends on the situation and the community. Chances are that the woman would voluntarily leave or be asked to leave. If not, she would probably have to take a temporary leave of absence to have the child. I honestly don’t know as I’ve never heard of anything like this.
Other questions …
1. Although I’ve never heard of this happening, I suppose it’s possible. I can’t imagine the community would allow her to continue her novitiate as the omission about her pregnancy would be a grave obstacle to her joining the community.
2. It’s possible that anyone under vows (religious, married people, etc.) can break their vows. We are all human, though we strive to keep our vows fully. And I think there are different levels of breaking one’s vows. A married man, for example, might not have sexual intercourse with a woman other than his wife, but still break his vow by lusting after her. Like the vows of married people, the vows of religious women and men have a whole context of meaning, in addition to proper (“chaste”) sexual relations. Depending on the level of breaking one’s vows and the harm to other relationships would probably determine if a reconciliation takes place within or outside of the vows.
3. I have never personally met anyone who experienced the situation that you describe. I imagine that is possible, and, as you noted, quite reprehensible that a trusted person would take advantage of another person like that. The vow of obedience does not require us to go against our conscience
Thanks for your reply Sister Julie. I hope you neither experience such situations yopurself nor even hear of anyone who does.
Dear Sister,
I know that a Catholic nun or a priest must maintain a vow of celibacy but is she/he prevented from being a parent. I’m talking of an instance in which a nun may choose to become a mother without having sex; that is through artificial insemination or similar IVF procedures. If this were to happen, she’s not really breaking her vow of celibacy, would she? And would the same apply to a catholic priest who willingly donates his sperm and fathers a child as a result of it? Would any of them be able to remain as a priest/nun?
I just stumbled upon this possibility after watching the movie Angels & Demons and now can’t stop wondering if it’s feasible.
Hi Helen, Thanks for writing! How was “Angels and Demons”? Haven’t seen it. First, some preliminary observations ….
A diocesan priest does not take a vow of celibacy. He makes a promise of celibacy. Priests are under no vows unless they belong to a religious community in addition to being a priest. In that case, he would take vows. Still, celibacy is celibacy!
Second, the Catholic Church sees having children as a gift that happens with a married couple, not outside of marriage. Plus, artificial insemination and the like, especially involving unmarried people, is considered “gravely immoral” according to Canon Law #2367. Since a Catholic nun or a Catholic priest is unmarried, she or he would not be able to have children by either sex or artificial insemination. If a nun or priest did have a child, I think it would be cause for serious consideration of whether or not they could remain a nun or priest.
So that in one way answers your question, but I also wanted to note that the vow of celibacy and the promise of celibacy are much more than simply not having sex. Check out, for example, an earlier post, Nuns and Celibacy – Natalie Portman’s Doubt.
Also important to note is that if a person has had a child earlier in their life and the child is no longer dependent on her/him and the person is no longer married, then she/he can still become a nun or priest.
Dear sisters:
i’m hannan from Jordan,i just wanna say i’m really proud of all of u, you are the evidance for God’s love and a proff of strength and solid well to abandone this world in the seek of your true love and saviour may the father of all humans give you all the blessing as he does every day and strengthen u to share his love every day with a smile that shines for the whole world i wish i can be a friend for all of you ,not only a friend but a sister in christ….. i need you all to pray for this need… to pray for humanity and specially youth to see thier role and importance in the lives of others and know that each one of them is invited to holliness and happiness and that they may see that children are the good soil that can give so much froot if it was given the love and the teachings of love and peace….may all of us know that God is our father in every possible way that he care about every aspect of our lives even the thing we might think silly or not important,he looks after our spiritual being as our father looks for our physical being …He is my father and he is the best of alllllll 
)))) thanks alot for everything i know that ur paryers can fly thousands of kilometers and i’m sure u prayer for youth before so thanks alot 
love u all
As I did read above what is the difference between and Roman Catholic Church and a Catholic church. Thank you.
I am a married woman with children. I am deeply in love with God, and would love to serve him in any way I can. Since I am saddened that I could not become a Roman Catholic nun, how else can I serve God and/or my church?
Dear Gina, There are SOOOO many ways to serve God and to deepen your relationship with God. Being a nun is one way that involves a life commitment (like marriage, or lay leadership in the Church, etc.). I encourage you to reflect on and pray about your gifts and talents as well as the ministry, needs, and forms of prayer that are attractive to you. God’s will for you is embedded in all of the these things as well as in your own prayer and study. Think about whether you are interested in explicitly religious ministry (e.g., catechesis, helping out at the parish, etc.) or in other ways of Gospel ministry (e.g., working at a homeless shelter, advocating for folks in need at court, mentoring kids to help them read, etc.). See what needs are in your community. And then also think on things that would nourish your spirit — good spiritual reading, a walk in the woods with God, vespers, etc. Engaging in these things will help you grow in understanding how God is calling you to serve and to “be”. Even though you may not be called to be a nun, it doesn’t mean you aren’t being called. God longs to grow in relationship with you and has something in mind just for you.
Dear Sister,
I am married but have been separated from my husband for almost ten years now. Since then I have never had any relations with other men. We have one child , she is 17 yrs. old now.
Eversince my childhood I have wished to be a nun , but due to consequences , this never materialized.
I tried my best to be obedient to God , to be a good wife and mother, but my husband left me and my daughter for another woman.
Sine then I have raised my daughter and plan to send her to College until she finished, and I have dedicated my whole life just for her.
I was thinking maybe when my daughter get’s settled and already have a family of her own, do I still have a chance of fulfilling my dream, can I still be a nun if I file for annullment of marraige?
Hi Liza, Thank you for writing and sharing a bit of your story. Your care of your daughter is a real testimony of love, Liza. Yes, it is possible to become a nun if your marriage is annulled and your daughter is no longer a dependent. You might consider looking into religious communities now and becoming an associate. Many religious communities offer ways for women and men to be a part of their spirituality and ministry. That will give you an opportunity to not only serve and grow in your relationship with God, but you’ll also be able to get to know a religious community and see if their life and spirit “fit” with how you feel called.