Discerning a call to become a Cathoic sister or nun can be challenging enough (who me, Lord??) but figuring out how to break the news to family and friends is a whole other challenge.
I recently received a question about how to break the news to one’s parents. Here it is in part.
I am very nervous about how they will take the news because becoming a sister is something so radical compared to even what I wanted for myself for years! …. With discussions of college and my future happening at home every day, I feel like I’m pretending to be something I’m not, but I have absolutely no idea how to go about breaking the news…. They know I am incredibly Catholic and I have the reputation as being the most religious in the family, but I am still afraid my news will shock and possibly disappoint them. I know I will eventually have their support, but it is their understanding I crave and I am afraid that that will not happen. When you told your parents, did you tell them suddenly and all at once? Did you sit down at dinner and say “HEY GUESS WHAT! I’m going to be a nun and serve our LORD and our GOD!” or did you do it in small doses, making small hints until they finally guessed it for themselves?
It can be very difficult to put into words one’s call, because you’re probably still figuring it out for yourself and trying to live into what it might mean for your life and future. To actually articulate this to someone else, especially someone whom you love and don’t want to disappoint, can be a real challenge. Even if others are familiar with religious life, it is usually a bit of a jolt for them to think that you — their child, their best friend, their sibling — are thinking about it for real.
Because I was away at college, I could pursue my call without worrying that my family would find out. Even though I was surrounded by religious and seminarians at my theology school, I still didn’t say much about my own possible call because I was still shocked myself. And, I wasn’t sure how it would affect my relationship with them. Would they treat me differently? Or, if I decided not to become a nun, would they be disappointed? Or what if I fell in love in the midst of discerning? How awkward would that be?! 
As for my parents and family, I waited until I was sure that this was something that I was going to do. I wanted to get to a place within myself that I could feel strong and know how to talk about my feelings and this sense of call. I wanted to know within myself that even if my family never “got” what I wanted to do, that I’d still be okay with it, albeit a bit sad. I talked a lot with my IHM mentors about how to approach my parents. And I talked first with my sister and brother about it because I knew I’d get the straight-up-without-ice response from them — as well as their love and support.
It wasn’t easy letting my parents and others know. They had a LOT of questions which I wasn’t always sure how to answer. Some wondered if I was being brainwashed, others if I was heartbroken from my last relationship. Some thought I was too young. Almost all feared that I was “limiting” myself, that I was somehow boxing myself in. They feared that I was going to become less of myself — or not myself at all.
Even though I tried to reassure them that become a nun was the most freeing thing I’d ever done, that it was helping me to become more myself, they just didn’t know for sure until they saw me live into it. They saw that I still told the same stupid jokes, that I still loved to hike and feed the chickadees, and that I still loved them dearly.
There’s no easy way to tell family and friends, but remember that this is your call and that just as much as God is leading you, God is also working in your family and friends’ lives too. You’ll learn a lot about yourself and your call when you begin to talk about it with others because they’ll have tons of questions for you, and probably a few challenges. Hang in there with them, and hang in there with yourself. Know that my prayers are with you.
I’d love to hear from others about how they broke the news. Also, any parents or friends out there who have had the experience of being told that a loved one wishes to become a nun? How did you experience hearing the news for the first time?
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{ 58 comments… read them below or add one }
Well, three years ago, I kind of dropped my discernment on people like a bomb, out of nowhere. My dad was ambivalent at best. My mom laughed at me (she’s a self-proclaimed atheist). My stepmom said that it wasn’t the life she would’ve chosen for me. My sister didn’t say much, and my friends thought I was out to lunch. In a nutshell, everyone thought I was making a serious mistake. They didn’t hinder me per se, but they didn’t encourage me either.
I’m guessing this is probably a fairly typical scenario. I haven’t personally heard of anyone, family member or friend, being actually genuinely happy for the person considering the religious life. Let’s face it – here in the Western World, organized religion, especially the Roman Catholic Church, is often viewed as out of touch and irrelevant. Our society has largely become “Spiritless.” No wonder those who want to live a life full of Spirit are seen as oddities.
To those who strive to follow their vocation, whatever that vocation might be: keep on fighting the good fight. God will provide. Nothing else matters.
What a topic Sister Julie!
I’ll introduce myself, I’m Amparo from Argentina, I’m 17 and I started university a month ago, I’m studying Classical Literature.
I’ve been feeling for more than a year now the challenging voice of God, I haven’t been trough any serious discerning process yet because I have no idea how to start one, even though I know nuns and sisters whom I trust a lot, I have no idea how to tell them what I’m going trhough exactly because I don’t really understand it so I can’t put it into words, and because I’m afraid I may disappoint somebody if it really wasn’t what they thought it was. It’s too complicated!
And family is an other BIG issue, you know? I don’t think my mother would have any problem if I ever wanted to be a nun, even though I wouldn’t know how to tell her. But, my father calls himself an atheist and he is a psicoanalist who considers calls for religious life some kind of psicosis, so I’m guessing that part would be a little scary…
Anyway… no one told being a nun or any other thing you wanted to be was easy…. but, as a Sister once told me “If it comes from God its certainly good”. I think the secret is to pray, but pray seriously talking to Him and asking Him to not let go of your hand while you go through all these difficulties…
I’m currently at that point, while I enjoy my studies very much, I know He will help me find the right words to start my process, but I also know there’s no rush, and the love of God is something so amazing to enjoy that it doesn’t matter how long it takes, as long as you are capable of enjoying each minute of it!
Sister Julie, I think this blog is just fantastic, look how far it has reached and let me tell you that it has been realy helpful for me, the same way I think it was and will be for many other young people who, feeling their hearts overwhelmed by some indescribable feeling of love, don’t know how to face it.
Much Love!
Nathalie’s closing paragraph struck a chord in me. My mother was convinced that I had been brainwashed by the nuns in high school, even though we had been going back and forth about this since I was very small. (How many times I heard from Mom, “And you want to be a nun!” for any infraction, no matter how small!) Finally, it was our parish priest that told Mom to let me go, and I am forever thankful to thim for saying that. As it was, I waited until I was 21 to apply because I didn’t think that Mom would sign my papers.
Dad was very quiet about all this. He didn’t say what he thought about this one way or the other, but I believe he was quietly supportive.
One of my four sisters thought I was crazy, and as I worked on all that paperwork, she would report to me the next day what I had written the night before because, no matter where I’d hide my forms, she’d find them!
I have to say that I had tough times in my journey into religious life, but it strengthened my resolve to follow my heart, to follow that call to serve God.
Nathalie:
I found your post especially interesting because I have so many people in my own family who are anti-religion and they try to persuade my daughter that her faith is completely silly and irrelevant. She was out for dinner with my husband’s entire family last Saturday. When it came to dessert time, my daughter declined saying she gave up sweets for Lent. One brother, who ironically teaches in a Catholic university – math, responded that he’d try to give up teaching for Lent. The other, an obnoxious, avowed atheist, said he’d give up religion for Lent – as if he had one – although I do believe atheism is a belief … i.e., noone can prove God does NOT exist.
My question, are you still in “discernment” or have you actually entered a religious community? You sound young. Are you in your 20s?
Good luck!
dee
Another new face
I’m from the Netherlands and currently finishing my degree (physics yay)!
I know I will eventually have their support, but it is their understanding I crave and I am afraid that that will not happen.
This is what struck me, because I have the exact same thing. My mum (”there’s some higher power, I just don’t know what”) completely supports me, went with me to visit my future community, and in short has been wonderful. But she doesn’t understand. With my dad it’s better, but still. What doesn’t help either is that I am a private person and can’t share all my most intimate musings.
I am incredibly lucky in having a friend who is currently a transeunt deacon. He understands exactly what I’m going through, and just knowing he’s somewhere out there helps so much.
It was tough telling my parents because my mother was away for a year when I made my decision, and for a while it was uncertain if she would be able to come back before my entrance. She knew something was going on, but not that I was actually serious.
I think if people got a clearer understanding of what a vocation is, be it to marriage, religious life, or one of the versions of the single life, that discernment could be more of a natural stage in every Catholic’s life. That would make it a lot easier to talk about it without raising hopes or fears – more organic, maybe.
I couldn’t agree more with your last paragraph Venite!
And I also have that terrible problem of being so closed and finding it so difficult to share my intimate musings… That’s something I must work with!
greetings to you!
Nathalie and other Canadiennes:
I just saw this on VISION vocation website, under vocationcitings.
GALAFILM Productions, a respected Canadian documentary film company, is currently looking for Canadians who are seriously discerning a religious vocation to be part of their new documentary series “My Last 24.” The concept of the show is to document ordinary people during the last 24 hours before an important event in their lives, such as entering religious life. The show will examine people’s motivations, hopes, struggles, and obstacles leading to the event. Those interested may email Julie Girard at last24hours@gmail.com. For more information, click here.
Hi there!
In response to Deerose: I’m 39 years old. And I’m actually only now really starting to discern. What I did three years ago was completely miss the boat about union with God. Long, long, loooong story.
In response to Jean: “My Last 24″? Wow. Sounds… rather final. Like someone waiting to be taken to the guillotine. 0_O LOL
Thanks for letting me know, I’ll check it out.
Thanks, Nathalie. Good luck with your discernment!
I know I will eventually have their support, but it is their understanding I crave and I am afraid that that will not happen.
This describes my parents exactly. I am a freshman in college and finally decided about a month before leaving that I should tell my family about my feelings of a call to religous life. It was awkward, but my family already had guessed. However, it is still very difficult to share about something so intimatly between me and God with my family, especially because I know they do not understand. I decided to start small, gradually making religious life and sisters more “real” and human to them. Unfortunatly, God does not seem to agree with me on the pace of things right now
*sigh* I know well what that’s like, from becoming a Benedictine oblate to getting an advanced graduate degree. It’s times like those you learn who your *real* family is, even when they’re not biologically related.
I appreciate the frustration experienced when people don’t understand but it also strikes me, as I read through Sr Julie’s blog and other discernment stories (I just read a great one at punkpriest), that often we who are discerning do not understand what this is all about, and that is part of the loveliness and the challenge of discerning whether we are called to religious life. wrestling with mystery and how centrally I will allow it to locate in my life is, for me, the essence of discernment. how can something which is at its core mysterious not be confusing especially at one remove (family or friends)? I am reminded of that – and reminded to be patient with my own doubts and those of others – when I read each new story here. With each story, I encounter once again the specificity and uniqueness of each sister’s or discerner’s or laywoman’s (or layman’s) religious life and her/his journey to that life. how can other people understand my very personal mystery? And social worker in me wants to encourage patience as family and friends adjust: resistance about others’ choices is often nothing more than genuine and innocent confusion and fear of the losses that change may bring, and patient compassion for those most basic human responses is often the surest way to be sure that you and your “other” get to the other side side-by-side. Perhaps it is possible to see this whole aspect of discernment as an early ministry?
Hi Sr. Julie!
For what seems like the umpteenth time you’ve posted a blog that is exactly what I’m thinking about. It’s slightly unnerving. Thanks for the great blogs.
Our society has largely become “Spiritless.” No wonder those who want to live a life full of Spirit are seen as oddities.
Oh, I don’t agree with this at all. Everybody wants meaning in their life – not everybody cares about religion, but that doesn’t mean they don’t care about spirit; hence the term “spiritual but not religious.”
I actually find your comment a bit arrogant – being religious doesn’t make you more moral or more deep than anybody else. I may be the only secular person who comments on this blog, but really, the secular world isn’t out to get you guys.
I think the difficulty that people have with telling their parents about wanting to be a nun really has nothing to do with religion. Even quite religious parents (after all, most people who want to be nuns were raised Catholic – by their parents!) can react pretty negatively. I think it has more to do with the fact that our society pretty much expects that one will grow up, find a mate and get married – people who deviate from this, for whatever reason, will have a tougher time getting anybody to understand. It also has to do with the fact that parents do create plans in their mind for their kids based on their own fantasies; sure, rationally, they might know it’s your life, but most parents project their hopes onto their kids anyway.
I’m in an odd situation because as an adult and an agnostic, it might seem like I wouldn’t know anything about this, but, for most of my childhood, I did want to become a nun, and it did mean a great deal to me. And you would think that, from wanting to be a nun for years, to ending up agnostic, that I must have changed dramatically, but the thing is, I didn’t. Back then, my mother was annoyed, afraid and exasparated because I wanted to become a nun – it bothered her on so many levels. And now I’m not even Catholic and guess what – my mother is still often annoyed and exasparated and afraid of my decisions, because whoever I was then I still am now. I know that for religious people wanting to become a nun signals some kind of calling from God – but, on a more basic level, it signals something in your personality, and personalities don’t change. Which brings me back to Sr. Julie’s point that once her family realized she was the same person – nun or not – that it was easier for her family to deal. I think at some point, parents are going to disagree with your life choices – it’s a universal issue that all kids go through. Sometimes they come to understand, sometimes they do not – and understanding may be too much to ask. People are different and complicated and annoying – we don’t all understand each other. But, as an adult, you’re entitled to make your own life choices, regardless of whether those close to you understand them or not. And most parents do eventually understand that – even if they don’t understand the decision itself.
I think you also have to realize that no matter how painful, you can’t live your life based on what your parents want. Even if they say that you’ll hate being a nun, that you won’t make it, that you’re too much of a troublemaker…that isn’t the point. The point is, even if it is a mistake, even if you join and end up hating it – at least you would know what it was like to pursue it. Not knowing is worse.
*end rant*
I know that for religious people wanting to become a nun signals some kind of calling from God – but, on a more basic level, it signals something in your personality, and personalities don’t change.
I don’t think there’s a juxtaposition of opinions here. That is, the way I see it, your vocation doesn’t come dropping down from the skies – it was something that has always been woven into your being (which includes your personality, of course). I also think we should not pray for vocations so much as for people to follow the vocation that’s already there. Pet peeve
Discernment should be about getting to know your future community, but even more about getting to know yourself. (I am very grateful for the heap of questionnaires my future novice mistress has thrown on my head. Now that I’ve dug my way through them, that is!)
In response to Annie: Hi Annie. I actually agree with almost every point you brought up. No matter what our religious/spiritual beliefs or inclinations (or lack thereof), as human beings we are bound to “disappoint” someone sooner or later– not necessarily by our own actions, but by not conforming exactly to others’ perceptions of who we are or who they think we should be. Thus the fear of not being understood.
As for my opinion about our society being largely “spiritless,” I’m sorry it came off as sounding arrogant. That was not my intention. It was just my opinion, that’s all. It was not meant as an accusation or condemnation or anything of the sort.
Coming back to the topic of this blog, which is the “coming out of the closet,” as it were. In light of my bungled approach to discernment three years ago, where I loudly proclaimed to everyone way too early in the game that I had “found God” and was entering Carmel, THIS time, I’m keeping my mouth shut and actually THINKING about the staggering implications of a heart desiring to remain truly and sincerely open to God. I’m keeping a diary, and praying and pondering, and letting God work through me rather than forcing the issue.
That’s what I should’ve done three years ago. Better late than never, I guess.
Annie – I agree with a lot of what you have to say. Having someone “come out” as a religious discerner is, from the standpoint of those being “come out to”, probably a lot like having people come out as anything unexpected, unplanned for, unimagined: you might not really object, you just had other plans for the person and for yourself in relationship to and with that person. Each of us is a player in other people’s lives and, when we change roles, we changes other people’s stories – and roles, too. And every parent and sibling and friend handles the change of plot differently. And, still, every (young) person’s developmental task is to emancipate. I don’t know what I think, yet, about the issue of personality you raise; maybe that is because I am still discerning and, like Nathalie, this possibility represents (and will require) some very large departures for me, even though I believe I do have a religious vocation. (Just saying it makes my head explode a little). I am, in fact, a very self-indulgent, sensually-oriented person (a bit of a spoiled brat when it comes right down to it and, I have to tell you, it is a lot of fun) so the idea of my personality complying with vows of humility, poverty and chastity is a bit challenging. And yet I have this spiritual self who is moved to a depth of joy I have experienced nowhere else when I encounter, in the Gospel, Jesus’s agony in the garden; when I read of Archbishop Oscar Romero refusing armed guards and vehicles as he ministered through accompaniment to the people of El Salvador who lived with mortal risk every minute of every day; when the homeless people I work with call me into a human intimacy that defies the value of the life of comfort and self-indulgence for which I have a genuine penchant. In the end, I am a terribly selfish being and yet my soul yearns for the particular life-giving beauty that is born of deep sacrifice. I think the first is my personality and the second is my calling. I’ll have to think more about it.
Nathalie – We were writing at the same time, I guess. Funny that we both used the language of “coming out” (of the closet). I do think there is a genuine parallel and probably some very helpful “hints”, one of them being take it slowly with the announcements (don’t show up at a family dinner draped in rainbows when just last week you brought your boyfriend —- or wearing an enormous crucifix, when just last week you brought a copy of Cosmo). My very good friend who first broached the possibility that hidden in my social work was a vocation to religious life acted with real mercy when he then stomped on my “coming out” energy by telling me tales of people who did the religious version of draping self, car and house in rainbows. Some discovered they did not have a vocation in the end, and others found the process of discernment short-circuited because their own perfectly normal and expected flounderings and doubts and fears and questions were amplified by others’. I have been very grateful that my friend helped me protect this still quiet space. I am glad for your company, Nathalie.
I was in the same position three months ago, and I agree with Jean. Tell your parents slowly and be gentle. And be gentle with yourself. Remember that you have already spent time with the idea and have started the process of sorting out what a vocation might mean in your life. They haven’t. Allow them to have their initial reactions and know that their support will come once they have the opportunity to spend some time with the idea. Initially, I told four people, my parents, sister and a friend I thought would be supportive. While my parents and sister were reeling from the news and were just not able to be supportive, my friend (whose aunt is a nun) was there to share my excitement and be supportive. I’m happy to say that my mom and sister have come around and are cautiously supportive.
Oh, and involve them or at least break the news as early in your discernment process as possible. I waited to tell them until a few days before I went to meet the community. It was tough on them because they had just found out and all of the sudden I was leaving (even if it was only for three days). Now, I’m starting paperwork and they’re struggling to keep up. Tell them early so that they have a chance to be ready for each next step as you are.
Good luck and know you’re in my prayers.
Sister Julie’s question and the following thread inspired me to write my story – the story of a 55 year old woman still afraid to tell her parents and how it all turned out after she entered a contemplative monastic community. The complete story has been published to my blog: http://MonasticMusings.blogspot.com
I find that “coming out” expression for one revealing her desire to be a nun quite interesting. Honestly, it really does make sense though. Either one might really catch a parent off guard. And either one may cause some mighty strong reactions … or not. I guess it depends on who one’s parents/family/friends are.
In response to some of the personality discussions, I haven’t noticed that most nuns share a particular personality type. They run the gammut just like mothers, fathers, engineers, lawyers doctors, indian chiefs and the like. But I do feel that most have some sort of common interior “disposition” that makes them somehow spiritually oriented, desiring to connect with and serve God in a concrete and loving way. I don’t know whether this “disposition” is nature or nurture or both. But it is something outside of the norm.
I am the mother of a spiritual, religious 14-year-old daughter who has, at times, indicated to me that she may consider becoming a sister. If she discerns that call and that be her vocation, neither my husband nor I would have a problem with it as you could probably figure out from most of my posts. We’d just make sure she was positive she wanted to go in this direction and help her find a community that suited her and allowed her to grow psychologically, emotionally, academically (if desired) and, of course, spiritually.
Having said that, there are some life choices that I may find unsettling and my daughter may feel as if she has to “come out of the closet” in revealing them to me. I would try to understand them as much as I could and accept them unless they were destructive. If I had the choice, I would not want any such declaration thrown at me all at once. I’d need time to get used to it. So, for all you discerners, from the point of view of this mother, I’d think it be best to ease your parents into your discernment undertakings a little bit at a time. Perhaps show your parents how faithful you are by letting them know when you go to your room to pray. Read spiritual books in their presence. Attend Bible studies and talk about what you learned. Take them to some joyful religious-oriented events. Eventually introduce them to a few sister friends in a casual, nonthreatening manner. This could help.
Good luck! dee
Hi dee,
Thank you for reminding me that discerning ultimately involves people other than myself and God. I will definitely drop the bomb in small pieces this time around.
Either that or just GO and not tell anyone. LOL
Seriously though, I wouldn’t do that, despite the fact that part of me would LOVE to do it that way. Elope, as it were.
“Mom, Dad! Guess what – I’ve just eloped and married Jesus, and now we’re off to our honeymoon in Carmel. See ya in the next life!”
Talk about heads exploding.
I have hardly any experience on the topic, for, as I said, I couldn’t even start yet. Anyway I think that this kind of search has to be done in as much silence as posible… Of course you need someone to walk with you and with whom you can share what you are feeling, but I think that if you just tell everyone about it not only do you spoil the process wich, as far as I know, is a very intimate thing between you and God, but you also run the risk of ending up dissappointing everyone if the discernment didn’t turn out as each of them spected…
I think it is something absolutely personal and needs not to be influenced by anyone other than God.
Besides, it is so beautiful to feel the love of God so close to your heart, and the best way of enjoying it is avoiding the external opinions, because not everyone can understand this kind of things.
I’m learning so much from you guys!!!
Thanks for sharing!!
Hi Nathalie, Thanks for the clarification. I think at times (okay, most times) I am too sensitive when people talk about how spiritless or unmeaningful society is, partly because I don’t agree, and partly because both religious and non-religious people strike me as having similarly meaningful lives, and some people do blame modernity and secularism for bad things that happen, and that I do find really ridiculous. Good luck with your parents, I hope things turn out okay.
I don’t think there’s a juxtaposition of opinions here. That is, the way I see it, your vocation doesn’t come dropping down from the skies – it was something that has always been woven into your being (which includes your personality, of course).
I agree with you, though I think on some level there is a juxtaposition. If you literally believe that God calls you to be a nun, as opposed to just saying you’re drawn to becoming a nun, there is a difference. The former implies that it’s something outside of you, the latter that it is you. We don’t say God is calling us to eat a piece of chocolate – we say we want a piece of chocolate. I am often confused by the calling scenario because how would one deal with that if one became a nun and later felt the urge to leave? Would that mean you no longer have a calling, that God took it away, or that you failed? Those thoughts have different implications than just believing that you changed your mind.
Jean – what you talk about is very interesting. Maybe it’s just because I’m into psychology, but I still think there probably isn’t as much contradiction in you being drawn to nunhood as you think there might be considering your personality. Perhaps you like the certainty of extremes – hence you are drawn both to partying and to the life of a Sister. Of course I’m just speculating, I don’t know you. I still find it interesting though
I’m not implying that nuns have similar personalities necessarily, but, outside of the religious aspect of it all, there has to be something else that draws people to the Sisterhood. If this were not so, there’d be a straight correlation between being religious and being a nun – the most religious would be the most likely to become nuns – and that isn’t really the case. Many Catholics are extremely religious and yet would never considering becoming nuns, while I know a number of agnostics who say that were they Catholic, they probably would’ve become nuns. So there’s something there that goes beyond religion, but it’s hard to poinpoint.
Annie – You are fun. Your post makes me think about lay Franciscans and, as you point out, people who say “if I were Catholic, I’d be a nun”. I was one of those, even though I grew up Catholic and soaked in Catholic social justice teachings (which certainly is the reason why I and most others in my family are either social workers by profession or through volunteer work). In the years between my intellectual/political/activist family’s departure from the Church and my own return through shared service with a Catholic lay community during a natural disaster, I often said (in my head), “if only I didn’t have an issue with ‘that Divinity thing’, I would check out commitment to a Catholic community”. And, despite much exposure to the wonderful communities of Catholic Workers, L’Arche, Maryknoll and other (largely) lay communities, I always knew – again inside my head, where I was determinedly working against an explosion, which created a risk of implosion, right? – that the Catholic life my lack of faith prevented was life as a nun. So, at first pass, I think you are right. (And, let’s face it, I heard those partygirl nuns playing Wii in the background when Sister Julie’s nun was talking about books in her video last week… And there is always St Augustine to consider and probably some rambunctious lady saints I can’t pinpoint right now, though St Teresa of Avila comes to mind for some reason…)
Jean
Wow, talk about flashbacks…reading some of this last comments, I recalled that moment when I too told my parents that I was going to join the convent. The first person I told was my best friend, we were very much on the same wavelength, she was discerning aswell but it was still a bombshell for her, she was both happy and sad together, happy because I was going to see if religous life was for me, but sad that in a sense she was losing her best friend.
As for the parents: one practical hint: Don’t tell your mother that you’re joining a convent whilst she’s applying mascara and make-up, not only is it potentially dangerous, you also end up with a 40 year mother Goth!Yes,you guessed it,that’s exactly what I did ( : When I did tell Mum,there was a long silence and then a car beeped to collect my mum who was meeting with my dad and their friends…so I was saved from that awkward moment.Later that evening Mum told Dad and much to my surprise it was my Dad (a non-sacramental practicing Catholic!) who convinced my Mum to let me go to the convent. The next day we had a heart-to-heart where my parents in their “parenty” way helped me to look at the whole picture- my education, career,was I too young? Maybe work for a while? Maybe go to a teaching order and not a semi-contemplative one.
However I think they knew that this was coming for a while,I’d always been involved in “holy stuff” ( as my younger sisters used to call it!).Being the eldest of five I didn’t know what to expect but my parent’s conclusion was that if this is what would make me happy then they would be happy too.We must allow ourselves to be in awe of the God of surprises. Sometimes we think that our parents will react one way when in fact it’s another.It’s still hard for parents though, what they really want for their children is that they’re happy. They’ll see your happiness when they come to visit you in the convent or you go to your home, and this will make them happy. Again this God of surprises can change people, my Dad received Holy Communion for the 1st time in 24 years on the day of my First Profession (the last time was at his own wedding!) and began to go to Eucharistic Adoration and Mass. The Lord really does reward a thousand-fold…we just have to trust in His ways which often are not our ways!
It took slightly longer for some of my friends to embrace the idea and some even thought I was ‘mad’ but as I thought to myself : ‘Blessed are the cracked for it is through them that the Lord’s light shines!’It was funny because for a while you could see people were minding their ‘p’s and q’s’, people who used to swear randomly stopped.Some people do change their behaviour initially but it passes when they realise you’re still the same person who goes to the vending machine at lunchbreak for chocolate or loves chatting on the phone. In front of peers,few people had courage to ask the million dollar question: “How did you know God is calling you?”, but one by one classmates, friends, relatives approached me to ask.There is a such a thirst for truth, for Jesus who is Truth.
Conclusion: It is strange and even scary hearing yourself, your lips,your voice pronounce those words‘I want to join the convent and become a religious sister’, waiting for the various reactions from family and friends but God’s will never leads us where his grace won’t keep us….to those trying to pluck up the courage (especially to tell parents!)….my prayers and thoughts are with you ( :
Sr. Julie, some day I’d love to email you some of the most humourous but serious questions I used to get in Vocation Workshops….!
Just to offer a male perspective, I was actually pretty fortunate in that my parents have been incredibly supportive in my exploring and discerning.
Of course even within my discernment (and many other things in life) they themselves still have preferences different from mine (such as me being more strongly attracted to becoming a religious as opposed to an ordained cleric, or joining a community close to them) but I’m grateful for their support.
Still, I wonder if “coming out” as wanting to be a nun/monk/priest has some sexism underlying it. With males (I can only speak from what I’ve seen) it a lot of times seen as a source of pride for the parents (at least more so in earlier decades) and with females it’s many times seen as a way of “throwing” life away. I think it stems from the negative stereotype that priests are independent while young nuns are feeble and dependent and locked away from the world when in reality we know nuns are among the most independent and pioneering women out there in all their different personalities (ditto on the shout out to St. Teresa Jean!).
Anyway, I’d like to pray that many of my sister discerners receive affirmation and love in their exploration of the call, because it must be tough when you don’t have that.
With males (I can only speak from what I’ve seen) it a lot of times seen as a source of pride for the parents (at least more so in earlier decades) and with females it’s many times seen as a way of “throwing” life away.
YES!!!!! That’s so true. What a sociologically interesting point.
And, let’s face it, I heard those partygirl nuns playing Wii in the background when Sister Julie’s nun was talking about books in her video last week…
Yea, that was hilarious. Sr. Julie really needs to tape one of these Wii sessions sometime. This reminds me of Sr. Karol Jackowski’s book, where she talks about how she ended up joining this particular community because she heard this rumour that they were building a bowling alley in the basement. Now THAT’s what I call discernment.
Annie – You are fun.
Hehe, thank you. You sound like a riot yourself.
Your post makes me think about lay Franciscans and, as you point out, people who say “if I were Catholic, I’d be a nun”. I was one of those, even though I grew up Catholic and soaked in Catholic social justice teachings (which certainly is the reason why I and most others in my family are either social workers by profession or through volunteer work).
I still am one of those, lol. It’s kind of a weird position to be in! So did you end up becoming a nun then, or are you still discerning?
As the mother of a potential discerner, I would see a major difference between my child entering, let’s say the IHMs or the Sisters of Mercy, and one going to enter Carmel. This would be magnified in my case as my own daughter is an only child. If she does chose to be a sister, I hope and pray it would be a vocation to a moderate apostolic order or to a basic monastic community, such as many of the Benedictines, where they have the freedom to communicate with and visit family. In this case, I would support and celebrate her choice. If she felt the call to live the cloistered life, I’d support her, but inside, it would break my heart. I might even mourn her loss. Just being honest. dee
Ray – Your thoughts about different responses to a “clergy” vocation vs “religious” vocation are very interesting to me, less in terms of sexism (since you point out that, for some, priest is preferable to brother) than in terms of class and all that one’s “class” commonly conveys: status, power, income, etc. I certainly don’t mean to incite a religious vs. clergy dust-up on that score (stop the world; I want to get off) but I think it is very interesting to consider in terms of how vocations are received. (And it has caught my attention that the website for my archdiocesan vocation office does not acknowlegde that women have religiosu vocations, too…and that is in a city with co-ed Catholic universities and convents al over the place and a motherhouse or two and the footprints of some mighty powerful women: a Saint and a Blessed in the Saint pipeline… Just an observation, one that probably counts simply as “tangential”). Anyway, interesting thought, Ray, and how cool that you are here.
I still have not seen Doubt but your comments make think of the postings here that mentioned signs and symptoms of the differences in power alotted to priests and nuns
And, deerose, i am always bowled over when i read about women entering cloisters. one of the first stories in that book “Sisters” that we spoke of here once was of a woman entering a cloister. And the stories of St Teresa of Avila when she was cloistered and St Therese… For me, the loss of contact (with my people and strangers alike) would be too much and debilitating and I would not be able to do anything for anyone. On the other hand, both St T’s had incredibly rich lives in their cloisters and, as a result, we have their writings and, through them, St Therese’s “little way” and St Teresa’s mysticism and example of persevering and enduring love even in the face of dryness. The joy and the truly grand (literally and figuratively) slice of life lived by the young cloistered nun who told her vocation story in a link Sister Julie supplied months ago (can’t remember it) was a genuine surprise to me.
Your kid is lucky that you are sorting this out alongside her. You could start a version of PFLAG: SOSAM – Significant Others of Sisters and Monks. (yeah I know, doesn’t quite work…)
Jean:
Teresa of Avila is my all time favorite saint. And truely, I do believe some women, although that particular vocation is rare, can live good, rich lives within the confines of the cloister. I also understand their mission to pray for the world. It’s important. It’s just a scary thought for a mother whose daughter is an only child! Honestly, I don’t even know if my daughter has a vocation to the religious life at all yet. It is just one of many possibilities. When and if she does, we’ll honor it.
dee
Wow Deerose! Its awesome that you are that supportive of your child’s discernment. If you didn’t notice, I am discerning as well!
I am actually only a year older than your child (though its closer to two years). I feel almost certain of my vocation though it is so far away. The order I am looking at will only allow 19 to 35. My mother does not approve of my discernment and will not give her blessing until I am 25 (which is a long time). I feel I have to revolt, but I want my parents to be supportive. I wish I should have kept this to myself, but I am horrible at telling lies to cover up the real story. I wish I could take this discernment slower, but it just feels as if it is running its own course!
Hi dee,
Well, I’m not a parent and I certainly can’t claim to have an inkling of a clue what it would be like to imagine one’s only child joining a cloistered order. On the other hand, I am someone’s child (with a sibling, mind you), but the reaction seems to be consistent with what I’ve run into. And I totally understand. The call to the cloister, especially an austere cloister like Carmel, is one that can easily be viewed as baffling and, in my limited experience, often misunderstood.
Keeping in mind that I am yet in the early stages of my own discernment (started three years ago), I feel that God is inviting me to give serious thought to the cloister, and the Carmelites at that. When I started researching religious orders, I did my best to keep my mind totally open to a wide spectrum of apostolates. I visited three orders – one missionary, one active/contemplative, and one cloistered. From the beginning, the cloister called to me. It still does, and more and more strongly now that I’m actually REALLY discerning.
I think that maybe some people have a more difficult time with the cloistered/contemplative call because its apostolate is not “out there.” I’m sure some people view the cloister as completely useless precisely because its sisters aren’t seen actively teaching, preaching, nursing, etc. My mother is one of those people. She has no use for cloisters. But then again, she’s an atheist. Still, I’m sure she’s not the only person whose view of the cloister is puzzlement at best.
I can only speak from my own experience, but let me try to explain how I view vocation in general: vocation is a blossoming of the self as it fuses its life to God. It is a call inward that manifests itself outward as God’s plan coming to fruition for each and every soul. It is an invitation to meet Jesus and ask him, “How can I best serve you? What will you have me do that will make us BOTH happy?”
But – and I think this is the key – every soul is different. Some people’s call inward makes them see Jesus in the face of the homeless, the sick, the poor. Meeting Christ in the forgotten and the marginalized lights a little flame in the heart, and this flame speaks to the person and makes them yearn to help. Call that flame what you will – intuition, gut feeling, Holy Spirit – I think it’s that inner “click” that reveals to us where God is leading us and where we will find fulfillment.
As for the cloister, I think the inward call manifests itself as a living prayer. Instead of meeting Jesus in the face of humanity, we meet him in silence, solitude and prayer. The more I follow God’s inward call, the more I desire to soak in His presence, to give myself totally, absolutely and unconditionally, to offer my whole self as an example of what good He can do and how He can truly change the human heart. Prayer becomes not a way of life, but Life itself – and I’m not talking just about the Liturgical hours. Look at it this way: yes, Jesus taught and preached and performed miracles. But he also prayed. Both aspects of his ministry were essential.
St. Edith Stein, a cloistered Carmelite, nailed the contemplative vocation right on the button when she said, “It is [the Carmelite] vocation to stand before God for all.” One’s life becomes a life of intercession, of atonement, of attrition. And again, another quote from Stein: “The more an era is engulfed in the night of sin and estrangement from God, the more it needs souls united to God.”
So in a nutshell, here’s my spin: every vocation is a call inward for the soul to manifest itself outward in freely-offered surrender to the will of the Divine. I believe the call inward is the same – God’s invitation. Where it differs is how it is expressed – meeting Jesus.
And THAT, I think, is the Mystery of all Mysteries.
Amen Nathalie. I, myself, felt a call to apostolic life, but I was looking at contemplative life. I love prayer so much because I have such deep prayer and experience God in that way. But I found out that prayer can also extend into our lives. I realized that it isn’t just in those moments in the Chapel, but God is seen everywhere. I learned to see Christ in other’s faces, and I saw Him in service. I love both lifes though.
I think you nailed it better than I can say when you said, ” I believe the call inward is the same – God’s invitation. Where it differs is how it is expressed – meeting Jesus.” Thanks for that awesome advice.
Pax Tibi,
Allyson
Nathalie – Your discernment is itself a gift, if only through your beautiful words. But of course there is so much more. No wonder God kept hounding you. Jean
Hi Allyson, hi Jean,
Thank you both for your kind words, though I see that my little spin has veered us off course from the original topic of this blog – d’oh! Allyson, you’re right about prayer; it extends into our lives far beyond the doors of our churches and homes. Jean, you’re right too: there is so much more to discernment than can be expressed. It IS a gift.
Telling one’s parents can be interesting. I was “lucky” enough to have to do it twice!! I agonized for weeks before I could get up the guts to tell them. No one should have to go thru it twice. The first time I told them I was seeking to join another community. I had both my parents in the living room and my brother passed by on the way to the downstairs shower. I dropped the bomb, my mother was not happy(to say the least), my dad did not say much. My brother comes back and my mom says, “Your sister wants to enter the convent.” He replies, “All I did was take a shower and I missed this??” As it turned out, I did not enter that community and took some time off from the “nun thing”. A few years later, the “nun thing” came back and I had to tell them AGAIN. I had said I wanted to become a nun since I was 9, it is not like there was no warning. My mom was more resigned than anything. I am the only daughter. My dad said, “I don’t have a problem with it.” Other people thought I was nuts, too young (I was 29!!) etc. The beauty of a religious community was living with people to whom religious life made sense, since it did not to most other people. Happily, I did enter my community and now my mom takes great delight in telling people that her daughter is a nun. Both parents have embraced my Sisters. Parents need time to process and let go of the dreams they had. The book Vocations Anonymous has some good advice. There is no easy way to break the news, say a prayer to the Holy Spirit and get it out. Blessings on the journey.
I agonized over it for quite a few weeks (it was around 1984, Costa Rica, Central America). I had the support of my religion teacher at that time, Sr. Cresencia (Saint Joseph Sister of Mexico). She just said, trust in God and wait for the right moment. So I did my best. I came home one weekend (was in a high school in another town and living with my brother at the time). I waited for my dad to be in his studio. Then I approached him and told him my plans. I thought his eyes were going to pop out of his sockets. Then…he got angry. He came to the quick conclusion that the Sisters at my high school had brain washed me. Then…I got the ” 20 minute father sermon” as to why my decision was absolutely ridiculous. Once he was done and I was still in one piece, I ran to look for my mother (before dad had a chance of telling her).
I found mom…sat down next to her bed ( she was ill for many years) and I told her of my decision to enter the convent. She smiled and then began to cry. Her comments “I hope you take time to learn all you can about your decision before you enter”. I think you will be a great nun! Then we both hugged. Dinner that night, was very silent. It all blew over and things calmed down. I finished high school, life happened in every direction. I enter in August of 1995, in Milwaukee, WI, with the Sisters of the Divine Savior. God takes his time for sure….
discerning25:
I think it is great that you have felt the calling to religious life from such a young age. Exactly how old are you now? As I mentioned, my daughter alludes to it now and again but I don’t know if she really senses a concrete vocation yet. On one hand, I’m not sure she ever will. On the other hand, I think she might have sensed it for years but just hasn’t told me. She is extremely private and doesn’t like to discuss this topic very often so I’m not sure where she stands. She does know I’m there for her though.
I sense that you are upset that your mother will not give you her blessing on entering the religious life until you are 25. That must seem like an eternity to you right now. I can understand this because you seem to be so much on fire for the Lord. But honestly, I do see some wisdom to her ways – although I personally would probably make the “25″ more of a suggestion. If my daughter decides on the convent, I would encourage her to get her bachelor’s degree first, work for a few years and then enter. I would say the same thing if she desired to marry at 18. I don’t feel it hurts to get some experience living out on your own before you make a substantial lifetime commitment like that. Now it doesn’t mean you can’t go on retreats and live-ins, do volunteer work for the communities you are exploring, get to know the sisters, etc. One of my sister friends was a vocation director for many years. She felt that if there was an ideal age for a vocation (and we do know it does vary from person to person), it would be in the late twenties, early thirties. She felt maturing and getting a little regular life experience under your belt was a positive. So for what that’s worth …
Good luck on your discernment. Things will work out for you. Patience is a virtue I have never had in abundance but it does seem to make one’s life easier!
Nathalie:
You wrote many beautiful words about vocation. Have you ever considered submitting them for a Diocesan or community-oriented publication? I feel they would be helpful to many.
As much as a lay person can, I do feel I understand the value and meaning of the contemplative life. For those who are called to it, it is beautiful. And from what you have said, it sounds as if you may be called to it. That is wonderful! It is unfortunate that your mom is so completely negative towards it though. My main point was just that my daughter entering a cloister would be very difficult for me personally as the mother of an only child. I know that sounds selfish – and maybe it is. I’m just being honest.
I do feel all parents have ideas about what their children should do with their lives. Many want grandchildren, a well paying, satisfying career, a daughter or son that lives within driving distance, etc. I think every parent wants to see their children happy. But even if none of these things pan out, at the very least, I do believe that most parents want a good relationship with their children. If that relationship is cut off for whatever reason, it is a strain. Now does that mean that one should not enter a cloistered community if one is clearly called to it? I say emphatically NO. Ultimately, it’s your life. I believe you have to respond to God’s call in the affirmative. But here is the thing, as much as anyone discerning wants their parents to understand them, they too have to try to understand their parents perspective. It doesn’t mean they have to agree with it or take action on it, but they should try, at least, to understand it. Well, that’s my opinion.
Good luck!
dee
Hi again dee,
You’re absolutely right on all counts – dropping the “Holy Hand Grenade” (yay, Monty Python!) of religious vocation is no easy thing for anyone involved. As Rose said, as social creatures, we all play roles to the people who are in our lives. When a role changes, it requires adjustment, like it or not. And because the religious life is not exactly a mainstream “life choice,” such a choice will inevitably raise eyebrows, for better or for worse.
As for your daughter and the religious life, the good thing is that nowadays, the vast majority of religious communities have an incremental “getting-to-know-Christ-in-your-life” system of receiving new vocations. People don’t just waltz into a community, drop their suitcases and that’s it – you’re glued to God from day one, forever-and-ever-amen. It doesn’t work that way anymore, thank goodness!
For example, the cloistered Carmel for which I still nurture a little flame in my heart has a “come-and-see” period of three months. The candidate “moves in,” as it were, to see what daily life is like. I think that these “trial periods” are an ideal first step, both for the order, the candidate and her social network. They enable everyone to reflect and take it one step at a time.
It used to be that when you went in as a postulant, you usually didn’t come out – that was it. You literally waltzed in, dropped your suitcase and became glued to God forever-and-ever-amen. Maybe as a society we have inherited that knowledge and we just automatically jump to similar conclusions for lack of information. But it just isn’t done that way anymore. At least, none of the many orders I have researched receive vocations that way anymore.
One step at a time, one day at a time. As a discerner, I should’ve clued into that three years ago, but better late than never.
Umm…slightly over 15. I know, I know. It’s not just young–its very young. But I feel I have had a concrete call from God, and I think I know my order as well. You know St. Frances of Rome knew she was going to become a sister at age 11. But you’re right, still young child. But I don’t think I can hold back something like my discernment. And I am not kidding. I just had 5 God moments today revealing my vocation. Scary.
discerning:
You sound very mature for your age. You also seem very intelligent and focused. Although my daughter is very intelligent and religious, she appears to be quite unsure of her future direction – at least as far as she has revealed to me. You may just be one of those less common cases who is indeed sure of her call early in life. It does happen. BTW, what order do you want to enter?
dee
Sister, Servants of the Immaculate Heart of Mary in Immaculata, Pennsylvania–and no, its not because my teacher has that order. Actually, while discerning for 8 months I put that order on the bottom of my list, until it was put back on the top of the list when I went to their motherhouse. I have never been happier in my life. And thank you for showing your understanding. It helps to have a person understand right now.
Well, aside from kind of knowing Sr. Julie on this blog (hee, hee), I have met a number of IHM sisters from PA. One was on a retreat with me last year. She was a counsellor and spiritual director. She was very nurturing. I work periodically with another IHM in my ecumenical role in my Diocese. They are both fine, open and caring women. I know there are two IHM congregations in eastern PA but I’m not sure who is who. In one of them there is also a 22 or 23-year old postulant or novice who is an artist and musician. I met her last year on my retreat too. She is very creative and spiritual. If memory serves me correctly, she went to that Immaculata College. Anyway, if you are looking at the same congregation this young woman is in, I hope you get the opportunity to meet her.
Good luck! My prayers are with you. dee
Wow, this blog sure is popular!
Discerning:
Quick question: do you think your mother will give you her blessing once you turn 25? What if she doesn’t? Would you keep on waiting? And what if that blessing never comes?
Please don’t get me wrong, I’m not trying to make you feel sad or uncomfortable, and since you seem quite an intelligent person, I am assuming you’ve already thought of this. I hope, I really hope and pray that your mother will come to accept your vocation and will give you the blessing you want, and before the age of 25 at that.
My thoughts with you.
Awww, thank you Nathalie and Dee! IHM is a very wonderful order, and I keep coming up with it in my daily life. I truly love the order. And no, Nathalie, I did not even think of that. Would my mother even accept my vocation after 25? I don’t know really. I wished she approved of the discernment at least, but I guess I will have to wait either way. I pray that God may be with all of you, and thank you for your supporting comments.
sister, i am mary grace from the philippines. i was glad to find your wonderful and inspiring blog. im a currently a law student and i’ve finally decided to become a nun. please pray for me..
may Jesus bless you…
My prayers are with you, Mary Grace.
Hi Sister Julie,
I have had an idea in my head for the past few years that I’m destined to become a nun. Thru failed relationships and “life” I lead, it’s hard for me to see another vocation for myself. I’m 32 and feel like the sucessful career is not going to happen, and being a wife or mother doesn’t seem to be in the cards either. Although I think of myself as a very spiritual person, I can’t say that I am religious. What suggestions do you have for a person who feels a call to serve, but is not “religious”? Thank you for your help
Be blessed!
AnnMargaret
Hi AnnMargaret, Thank you for writing. It sounds like you’ve reached a point in your life where you need to explore this thing called religious life. I have to tell you that I felt very similar — I never considered myself particularly religious but more spiritual and attentive to the needs of others. “Religious” for me felt like like a cut above the ordinariness that I felt, like more holier or having unquestioning faith. That’s what I assumed nuns were like too. But when I really got to know nuns and other religious, I realized that at their core, they were deeply spiritual, prayerful, Gospel-centered people. They were earthy, warm, and accessible … ordinary yet always striving for God, for that “something more” of life. So I guess what I am saying is that being a spiritual person is a very important part of being a nun, without which and “religious-ness” is empty. You might just want to look into life as a nun just to see who you meet and how you feel God is calling you in the midst of that exploration. There are also many, many ways (infinite to be exact) to serve God and God’s people without being a nun or being married or being a mom. In fact I just wrote a bit about this in response to another person’s question about serving God. And AnnMargaret, I invite you to check out our Vocation Forum here at A Nun’s Life. It has some wonderful women and men who are discerning their life’s calling.
hello, my name is Victoria.
I feel that i have been called to the religious life for many years now. I have told a fewof my fiends and family members that i would like to become a sister, but it seems that they do not take me seriously when I tell them this. Can you help me how I should approach this in a diffrent way.
thank you,
victoria
My 20 yo daughter (youngest of many kids) has been back and forth for 3 years. Every 6 months it’s either a convent or a boyfriend. Early this year she went on a retreat and wanted to quit college but her Dad and I discussed it with her and she promised to finish college before applying to enter. We promised to support her and help her pay off her debts after she graduated.
Now after her summer of fun is over and she’s back at school as a junior, she’s decided that she’s going to apply to enter next fall and not finish school. We feel she broke her promise and are refusing to help with school debts which means unless one of the groups that help religious pay off those debts help her, she’ll have to work before entering. The 2 weeks before she went back to school were a nightmare with harsh words and many tears.
Having raised her and been through the many cycles of her changing her mind, I feel like she is too immature to enter a convent. She admits that she’s hoping they will set her straight, basically plan her daily life for her and tell her what to do, when to do it, what to wear, etc.
Although it’s very hard to think of her entering a convent and not seeing her but a few times a year, we do support her entering, all we are asking is that she finish college so that if during the long process of becoming a sister she decides it’s not where God wants her, she’ll have a degree and not have to worry as much about what she should do next.
I feel like we have been very fair. What do you think, are we asking too much?
Dear Pepper, That’s a tough situation. I’m sorry to hear that you and your family have been having a difficult time with this. If you had asked me this when i was in the early stages of thinking about becoming a sister, I would probably have agreed with your daughter. When you are in the midst of those kind of life choices — even if you are not ready for them — it can seem so compelling, so right. Doesn’t matter if you’ve thought them through or are mature enough to make those decisions! I’m sure you know this. There are so many obstacles to overcome to even think about becoming a nun, sometimes it feels like parents are just one more voice in society saying “no”. It’s difficult to hear that what they — you — are really saying is that you care and support them and are also looking out for their best interests and future.
Now, at the wise old age of 37
I have to say that I see things a bit differently. I can’t emphasize enough how important it is to get a college degree if at all possible (I realize this is not always financially possible for people). No matter what you do in life, a degree is going to help you. Getting an education is a kind of vocation too, it’s a calling from God. Your daughter’s choice to get a degree is a commitment, one that is going to help her best serve God and others. A college degree is not in opposition to becoming a sister.
From what you’ve written, it’s not clear to me that your daughter really knows what religious life is all about. At its heart, religious life is about seeking God and helping others. It includes self but is also beyond self (like so many other life commitments!). Becoming a nun does not mean you check all responsibility at the door. Sisters and nuns are women who have to make choices, discern, collaborate, troubleshoot, figure out, accomplish, teach, minister, etc. Having an education is a necessity.
I commend you for your support of your daughter even though I imagine it is not always easy. Trust that God is actively working in your daughter’s life whether or not she is called to religious life. Encourage your daughter to really get to know religious life, to get to know real nuns or sisters and what our life is actually like. Maybe encourage her to do some reading or to go for a weekend or week on discernment retreat at a retreat center or monastery nearby that has sisters or nuns. Help her find ways to meet real sisters or nuns. If there aren’t any nearby, send her online to visit here or any of the many blogs by catholic nuns (see link at top of this website) so she can get to know us, ask questions, etc. Most communities I know would highly encourage a young woman to get her degree first. There are of course exceptions but for the most part, religious communities want women who have had educational and/or professional experience, who are mature enough to make a life commitment.
Blessings to you Pepper and to your family.
Thank you Sister Julie!
She’s been exposed to Sisters of all sorts since she was 5 days old. We live in mission territory so have always had Sisters around, even met Mother Teresa (I did, she wasn’t born yet). She’s been on retreats and now has 5-6 orders who would love to have her. But, you’re correct! She doesn’t understand that life doesn’t stop when you enter a convent. I think maybe she would like it to, maybe there is too much pressure from everyone and she’s feeling like if she goes ahead and enters that pressure will end. But you and I know that it becomes even more difficult esp. in an order where the internet and telephone aren’t allowed and visits with family are few and far between.
Her major is Philosophy and Theology and she’s working with a group of Bioethicists this year as an intern at a large, well known Catholic University. She has so much to offer and that much more to offer if she will just finish these two years. Even her spiritual director and a friend who is a Bishop said the same thing you did. The college degree is important and that is her call or vocation at this moment in time and to do the best she can as a student.
Several of her friends entered this year and I think she feels like she’ll be behind them, but she’ll be more mature and I think that’s more important, esp. for her. The order she’s looking at seems to me a little pushy about answering God’s call the minute you hear it, but maybe it’s just the Mom in me talking. They have a college she could finish at but if she finishes where she is, she could start on a masters, teaching is their apostolate. She’s always liked the idea of being a college professor but can’t get it through her head that she will teach where they ask her to teach and that with a degree and perhaps a masters she has a better chance to be a College professor.
Thank you for writing. There are so few people that really understand and she of course can’t understand it from my perspective. As a married woman of 30 years, I know about life commitments and I would imagine that entering an order and perhaps leaving before final vows would be as bad or worse emotionally than divorce.
Thank you again! I was so grateful I was able to google you somehow and find someone willing to talk reasonably about this.
Feel free to write to me personally if you have the time. I’m hesitant to put too much on here. She would be bothered that I was talking about her.
God bless! Pepper
Thank you, Sister Julie and all the others who have shared their thoughts and feelings on this subject.
I am the mother of a college-age daughter who has been contemplating the religious life on and off since high school. She recently met with a Sister from an order she has been introduced to, and she feels more strongly called to join. When she has talks about this desire with me, she says she feels that I do not approve.
I want to be supportive of this decision, but as Pepper said about her own daughter, mine has been “sure” about several other decisions about what she wants to do with her life in the past, and I am feeling like she may be momentarily serious, and then she will be on to something else.
And if I am honest, I must admit that it is hard for me to accept that I may not have grandchildren, nor a daughter to share everyday life with. Yes, we have another child, and it is surely possible that we could have a houseful, if our youngest marries and has children.
I know that if this is the call God has placed in her heart, then of course she must follow it, and on an intellectual level I would then be all for it, but my heart feels so heavy with the loss of a future I had imagined.
I know that this is my own issue to work out, and I have no qualms about religious life as a vocation…I just need to go through the the stages of grieving for the life I had imagined.
As the discernment process for entering the order she is interested in is spread over 6-7 years, and she will have student loans to pay off as well, I will have plenty of time to work through my feelings.
Until I reach that place of peace, I do hope that I can truly be supportive, and not let my grieving for what I may be losing overshadow her joy in who she is becoming.
I would love to hear from other mothers on their feelings.
Hi Sister Julie!
It’s good to be here again. It was just too bad there weren’t that much people during the evening prayer’s online last week, but that sometimes just happens. Did you manage to find your driver’s license? I truly hope you did.
May I please leave a comment to your personal story? I definitely think it’s great you share it with the world and I can totally relate to it. To me, it doesn’t matter if you’re a Catholic, a Hindu or a Buddhist. We’re all human beings and shouldn’t put ourselves in any boxes at all. Then again, even if we call ourselves a Catholic or a Buddhists, it’s still our responsibility and free choice if we want to be put in a box in the first place. I do not want that and I know for sure you never intended to do that to yourself either. What I’m trying to say is that I am a Buddhist sister (’unordained’ though), but I never really felt any need to tell the world around me. It’s always been as if my life was supposed to be this way, and I am so happy because it has enriched me so much. It has opened my heart and soul, and I know I have access to treasures most people won’t even know about. I can connect through the divine source in me that has completely opened up itself to me and through that source, I can serve the world. I am extremely thankful for what God had (and has) in store for me.
May you be blessed, happy and fulfilled forever!
x
Monica
Hi Monica, Good to see you. For me, calling myself as Catholic or a sister or a writer or whatever isn’t about being placed in a box so much as it is naming a reality of myself personally and in community with my sisters, the church, and world. There are many ways to name this reality. My path as a Catholic sister is through public profession of vows but there are so many ways to live in relationship with God and others such as how you described. Thank you for sharing a bit of your story with us.