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Chastened for Choosing Celibacy?
As a celibate, non-sex-having, vocationally-engaged person, I was intrigued by and a bit apprehensive of an article by Jamie Manson entitled Celibacy: Neither healthy nor helpful for the future of vocations in National Catholic Reporter (March 11, 2010).
Although Manson states somewhat parenthentically that she is “not suggesting that celibacy is wrong or unhealthy” and that “for some individuals, this choice is very life-giving”, I get the distinct impression from the entire article that such a choice would be fundamentally against the very nature of “today’s young adults”. Hmmm.
At the old age of 38 and a member of that old-fashioned Generation X, you can take my two cents for what they’re worth. First I concur 100% with the universal call to holiness. There is no such thing as a “higher” calling. You can slap the label “consecrated” or “ordained” or whatever on the calling but it’s still not any better or worse than any other calling. However God calls you is what is most fulfilling for you. True, we still have many remnants of pre-Vatican II ideas and those continue to affect how people understand their own calling and that of others.
I feel badly that Manson and others continue to experience an undervaluing of their desire for a “healthy, loving, committed sexual relationship” and their desire to devote their lives “to the service of the gospel”. But I don’t think changing a recognition of the value of celibacy in consecrated life is going to change that. I think that the problem is that the church (magisterium and people of God) hasn’t yet fully committed to the idea of the universal call to holiness. Even Manson herself seems to feel that the only way that people can be recognized as seeking “a healthy, loving, committed sexual relationship” and “being fully and authentically committed to bringing the life of God into the world” is through consecrated life. Otherwise, why the concern about being “banned” from consecrated life?
I guess I’m confused a bit (which happens at the old age of 38) because I fundamentally agree with Manson about vocation and calling, but there are so many negative celibacy over- and undertones in the article that I’m left wondering (a) if she really understands celibacy (celibacy is a far richer concept and experience than simply not being involved in a sexual relationship) and (b) what she’s really trying to say. Is it that religious life, consecrated virginity, the eremetical life, and other forms of consecrated virginity should lift the celibacy requirement? Is it that there should be an additional form of consecrated life that recognizes the value of sexual relationships? Is it that the church still has a long way to go in truly promulgating the universal call to holiness? Is it that celibacy is fundamentally unnatural for young people today and into the future? Is it that celibacy’s only value is for the quirky few who find it life giving?
Well, those are a few thoughts from one quirky Gen X-er. What do you think?
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{ 16 comments }
I think your rebuttal of this article is straightforward, witty and full of wisdom. I salute you, Sister!
At our convent, we pray for “An increase of vocations to the priesthood and religious life, and for blessings on the married and single life.” We recognize that God calls us in many ways, and the common denominator in all these ways of life is that we need God’s strength and courage to answer wholeheartedly “Yes.”
Thanks, Another Sister in Celibacy!
I agree wholeheartedly – amen to that!!
There is no such thing as a “higher” calling. You can slap the label “consecrated” or “ordained” or whatever on the calling but it’s still not any better or worse than any other calling.
truer words were never spoken. thank you.
Dear Sister Julie,
Many thanks for your thoughtful response to my essay, which was brought to my attention by the executive director of the Women’s Ordination Conference. I appreciate very much your willingness to engage the article and generate some very thought-provoking questions.
As you can imagine, I am limited to 1200 words in writing these columns, so often I must leave many issues unaddressed.
It is important to me that my column might have made you feel “chastised” for choosing celibacy. One of my greatest commitments in my teaching and writing is to ensure that no one feels ashamed or judged about how they choose to express their sexuality. I am sorry it I did so.
My focus was really to address not so much celibacy, but committed loving, sexual relationships, most specifically how the “goal” of these relationships has been radically and singularly altered since the mid-1960s. These changes have had, I believe, extraordinary repercussions for the celibacy requirement. Not celibacy in and of itself, but the requirement. I wanted to introduce that idea and explore it as much as possible within such a strict word limit.
Please know that, though I may not fully understand celibacy as a committed nun does, I do understand that it does not simply mean “not being involved in a sexual relationship” any more than being married or in a committed partnership simply means “being involved in s sexual relationship.”
The heart of the matter is, for me, that I care very deeply about religious communities and I fear for their survival. I have been profoundly influenced by so many women religious from many orders: Mercy Sisters, Sisters of Charity, Immaculate Heart of Mary, Carmelites, Benedictines, and on and on. I know what a loss would be to the world if these communities vanished. I do not want to live in a world where no one practices the Rule of Benedict, or knows the legacy of Elizabeth Ann Seton, or doesn’t read Teresa of Avila’s autobiography (she is my patron–images of her surround me as I write this!). I would like to explore creatively and with full awareness of the on-going sexual and relational development of new generations of Catholics what the possibilities might be for consecrated life.
I do not pretend to know the answers to the key to survival. But I would like to be a positive part of the conversation. What I tried to offer in my article was an article that was sex-positive, Gen-X positive, and religious-life positive. I don’t read many articles that combine those three elements. My only regret is that you experienced it as celibacy-negative. This was not my intention. I am very glad that you highlighted this for me and your readers.
I’m for optional celibacy. I see the goodness that celibacy can have if one chooses it, but I also understand that celibacy is not for everyone and to force someone to choose between their call to religious life and celibacy can have disastrous effects on people’s lives. And I don’t think there is any basis in our Christian tradition for celibacy…other than that falsely created by early church Fathers who sought to control people’s sexuality and saw sex as evil.
Very happy to read your critique. I thought Jamie’s article glossed over both the experiences of those whose ministry is integrated with their celibacy (vowed religious) and those who minister while married or single (lay ministers.) It seemed like she really wanted to be talking about the ordained diocesan priesthood but roped in everyone else for some reason.
Jamie, glad to hear your response.
Sr. Julie:
Thanks for providing an opportunity for such and important (but often misunderstood) topic as celibacy in consecrated life.
As another celibate, I want to point out that those with vocations to consecrated life don’t embrace celibacy or life-long virginity simply because they aren’t attracted to marriage. Instead, we sacrifice marriage (and you can’t make a true sacrifice out of something that you don’t greatly value!) in order to offer God our entire capacity for love. Celibacy allows consecrated women and men to love God—and therefore to love all His people—with “an undivided heart.”
Likewise, consecrated celibacy is a witness to the fact that God is WORTH giving up as great a good as marriage and family life.
Additionally, celibate consecrated persons anticipate what will be the reality for all of the faithful in Heaven, where they “neither marry nor are given in marriage but are like the angels.” In this way, consecrated celibates can help make our heavenly future more present to today’s world.
Because of these things, celibacy cannot be separated from consecrated life, since consecrated life is by definition a vocation to exactly this specific type of radical witness and dedication to God. So although all Christians are called to be saints, celibate consecrated life still has a very special, unique character and value within the Church.
I hope this doesn’t sound too “preachy,” but this is a subject very near and dear to my own heart!
Hi Sr. Julie,
. Thanks also to Jamie Madison for replying. I too get fearful that religious communities are slowly dying but I really don’t know what the answer to this will be. I like Sister Julie’s reminder that we are all called to holiness and so married people too have a religious vocation, just a different one I guess. Likewise, we are all called to intimacy with our creator and one another and sexual intimacy is just one way (a beautiful way nonetheless) of expressing that. Sr. Julie, I would love it if you posted more on the concept of celibacy. I’d like to learn more about it.
I enjoyed reading your comments. I had the opportunity to read another post of yours on celibacy and absolutely loved that too! Your honesty is refreshing and your passion for your calling a bit infectious
As one who is pursing ordained ministry in a denomination that does not require celibacy, I have actually given this issue much thought. Is it better to be single and celibate than married (and presumably not celibate)? Certainly on its face, there are some very appealing aspects to celibacy. Every time I have to choose between being with my family and responding to a ministry situation, I ask myself the same question. I wouldn’t trade my family for the world, but in some ways ministry would be easier if I had no one to consider besides God, myself, and the person in need.
On the other hand, having a family places me squarely alongside the majority of those to whom I minister. I face the same challenges for balance between work and family that they do. It gives me some insight into their situations and ultimately makes me a better minister for them. Now, does that mean I cannot then minister to single people, celibate people, or others not in my same situation? It does not, any more than those who have chosen a celibate life are unable to minister to those who are married or sexually active. We all respond to ministry situations with the gifts and experiences we have been given and some of those are always going to be more valuable in a particular situation than others.
I agree with Sister Julie and Marla that all of us are called by God to serve him in our circumstances (in Lutheran circles we call that “the priesthood of all believers”). And I also agree with Kate that celibacy, when optional, might be a more powerful witness than celibacy that is compelled. Of course, all those who have become sisters, priests, etc., presumably knew what they were getting into (as much as anyone can–not all married people knew what they were getting into either!) when they accepted God’s call to a celibate profession, but making celibacy optional would bring another and, I believe, positive dynamic to the situation. (And for the record, I know several very good Lutheran pastors who have chosen celibacy even though our denomination does not require it.) The point of all of this is to answer the question, “How can I best serve the God who has loved me and called me to be in his service in the world?”
As I understand it, most religious orders have offer programs for lay associates who are free to marry. Married life is my spiritual discipline. I do not think I could live up to my vows if I also took on those of consecrated life.
Excellent topic and yes I can be yelled at because I have not been here in a long time. Quite a few changes! Wow.
O.k, back to the topic. My bottom line with celibacy is that there is an aspect of mystery to this gift, just like the vocational calling itself. We could go round and round about it, but there will be those who will never be able to grasp its purpose.
Celibacy is a sacrifice, a calling, an offering, peace, freedom, an open door to be able to give the self in a different way. To me, you have to have the calling to celibacy and religious life, or it will not make sense.
Thanks, Jamie and Sister Julie for opening this discussion. I am also a Gen-Xer, on the cusp with the millennial generation. Like many of my peers, I grew up with a feminist mother who encouraged me “to do it all” and women now have more opportunities to balance work life, ministry, and family. I spent many years in discernment, and while I believe I am called to religious life, I finally chose to answer my call by becoming an associate of a religious order. While I am confident that celibacy can be and is very life-giving for many women and men religious, I personally am able to live out my call, while also engaging in a happy and healthy sexual relationship with my partner. I think we, in all our communities, need to look at optional celibacy as a viable option for religious communities. As numbers continue to drastically diminish in our communities, isn’t it time that we seriously think about how to sustain membership outside of vowed membership? Perhaps optional celibacy is a step in right direction.
Jamie and others, Thank you for your responses and being willing to engage this topic. Jamie, you did a great job bringing these questions forward. I certainly understand how word limits can leave many things unsaid!
I personally do not feel chastised or ashamed about my choice. In fact I’m very cool with it and, given this blog, feel quite free to proclaim it! My concern was with young people who might be considering it who, upon reading your essay, might think they were the odd ones out for considering something like celibacy. Dealing with peer pressure around sex, being constantly confronted by sex in advertisements and entertainment, and dealing with one’s own attractions already make it challenging to begin with.
I think a discussion about what celibacy means and what that has to do with the viability of religious life (one form among others of Consecrated Life) is essential to the questions and wonderings you raised. At the same time, it is important to affirm, as you have done well, the valuing the goodness and beauty and consecrated-ness of loving, sexual relationships.
I want to hear more wonderings and questions from people who are in this space of wanting a kind of life-long commitment that involves both a loving, committed relationship within a family-type situation and also the community life and mission of religious sisters or religious brothers. There are many things to unpack here and to discover!
Again, my thanks to you, Jamie, for beginning this conversation and being willing to engage with the many thoughts and ideas and responses that have emerged.
I think there needs to be a new definition of celibacy. We keep equating the right to have sex with only the married state. Being one of God’s great gifts, sex and the pleasure derived from it surely cannot be bad, and if good, then why limited to only one state in life? It seems to me that a cultural shift needs to occur that allows for — even honors — consensual sexual activity among adults. Religious should not have to embrace celibacy in the “no-sex” sense; celibacy for a religious becomes a deeper understanding of a primary commitment to God, that no other person will be the center of one’s waking and sleeping, thinking and doing. I think the physical act should be far less of a concern. Along the same lines, why do we persist in thinking that God wants us to deny ourselves the pleasures He gives us? Seems to me that moderation, not gluttony, is the real way to honor God.
Thanks to everyone for their great comments – I enjoyed reading them all. I am a 43 year old married woman with 2 wonderful step children ages 8 & 9. I joke that in another life I would have been a Sister because I had definite leanings in that direction, and there are days when I still feel that old pull, but I chalk it up to “the grass always seems greener”…when you’re cleaning up for the 1000th time that day or are on your 12th load of laundry…those are the times I find myself thinking “I wish I was doing something ‘spiritual’ right now instead of folding these darn sheets. However, lately I have begun to realize that my life as it is now IS spiritual and holy, even when I’m folding sheets. For many in my work environment, I am the “safe space” to turn to for a talk, or for comfort or advice. Maybe I’m here because I am ministering to these people in a very spiritual way, with compassion and caring, that they wouldn’t have if I were somewhere else.
As far as celibacy goes, I don’t know the answer to what should or should not be done in the future, but I have enormous respect for those who choose that path and sacrifice other “goods” such as marriage or family in the traditional sense. And I do believe that it frees you in certain ways, and in setting that part of your life aside, you are allowing something (or Someone) else to fill up that space, which is absolutely wonderful. On a side note – for those who are married with small children, celibacy might be more a part of their lives than you might think – we’re just too tired!
I am, ultimately, a daughter of God who is now caring for other young lives and doing my best to teach them, most importantly, about the deep love of Christ. It is a beautiful calling, as is the life of any person striving to follow God’s voice, celibate or not. Thank you Sister Julie for posting the article and for allowing space to respond to it.