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Lost and struggling to be more spiritual
My entire life I’ve felt a pull or a calling to a higher spiritual power however I am not Catholic and honestly I am not sure what to label myself at all. When I was younger, I sought so desperately to just feel loved and to “fit in” with the crowd. I ignored my calling and my dreams and chased after things that most young ladies these days chase over, boys and money.
Flash forward 15 years … I am still unwed, I still have no children and I am currently with someone I love very much but due to family problems, I do not believe he will ever wed me. Half of my heart is still thrilled to be with someone whom I can love without reserve and he loves me in return but the other half is in mourning because I cannot see us every surpassing this issue of him not being able to commit to me.
And still I feel a calling to be more spiritual. I just don’t know where my life is leading me at this point. I’m older and wiser now and yet still so lost.
- Iriesh
There are often times in our life, no matter how old or wise we might be, when we still can feel lost. While it’s a terribly uncomfortable spot to be–one that can feel scattered, unclear, and even dark–it is also a place that holds great potential because anything can happen!
You can chose the path that you desire. Even if you are not sure where your life is leading you, you can still chose, now — right now — to be a more spiritual person. Start meditating. Take 10 minutes of silence and stillness where you are just BEING. Let thoughts and distractions just pass on by you (those things always surface when we try to still ourselves). Don’t force them to not come in, just let them float in and float right on by, not dwelling on them but focusing on being still, quiet, at peace. This is not an easy exercise but I guarantee that it will help you get in touch with your own spirit.
I know that you aren’t sure what you are in terms of belief, but know that God loves you and calls you for who you are — not who you should be nor what you think you’ve been. God embraces us as we are with all our funkiness, goodness, and rough edges. When we can see ourselves and embrace ourselves (and others as well) like God sees and embraces us, we grow more deeply into ourselves, become more spiritual. It’s not easy and even those of us who commit our lives to seeking God and living spiritual lives fail and fail miserably at times! But nonetheless, we keep going and re-center ourselves in God.
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{ 6 comments }
Iriesh, at least you know you are lost, and you know you have a calling to be more, more spiritual, more something. You know what? You might actually only be a little bit lost, and a step one way or the other (left, right, front, back) is the path. Right now though, who can tell? You feel lost, whichever way.
As Julie says, make space. More importantly, make time. You know you need the spiritual, so let it in. And God loves you, come what may. Soak in that, somehow. You need time for that, too.
Right on, missjane. Sometimes even knowing you are lost is a huge step.
Ireish,
Ditto to Sr. Julie and Ms Jane, recognizing your own weakness or area of opportunity to grow in and submerging yourself in the well of peace and grace is a great place to begin. Also, being honest with yourself plays a big role, but also understanding the honesty of your other half, the man that you love. Family will always be tough whether you are the outsider or insider. What is important right now is you and him and that is all that matters. Put yourself in his shoes, since you both agree or chose to test the waters before marriage.
I am 50 years of age, never been married, no kids and a dear friend who is trying his best to convince me my calling is marriage. Naturally, he is talking about me and him, but I hear God saying differently. Right now I am living in God’s grace and peace and learning to listen to my spiritual self and God’s wisdom at his own timing.
Find that spot in your innermost self and believe it or not it will guide you to the right place in time. Your significant other, don’t push, but the two of you need to find time where emotions will not go astray and talk. Discern the relationship that the two of you have together and take a moment and step outside the picture and not only look at your view but his too. If he is worth waiting for, then do so and in the meantime, breathe and live life at its fullest. Experiment life, choose a course, that you will never dream of taking, the two of you take a cooking or baking course together or learn a new hobby that you think the two of you will enjoy together. Explore the options of God and pray, even if you don’t know what to pray, he is a great listener, and trust me he does listen. I am a Catholic and the best part of being a Catholic, it allows me to be myself, runaway and return and there is so much history to indulge and dive into. The Catholic Church has one of the most diverse cultures in the world and that alone says alot. Regardless, where your spirit guides you, just allow it to do so, remember its the major part of your existance.
God Bless Iriesh and remember to breathe and enjoy the creation that the creator has given us. Best regards to you and your love one!!!
P.S. I am going to be honest, your inquiry spoke to me and I have those wonders pondering my heart as well. I am very glad that I chose not to jump into every loop that became available. I am 50 now and very happy as where I am in life, very peaceful w/grace. If I achieve nothing else in life, I got to achieve peace!
Cynthia
Hi Iriesh,
Your post really struck a chord with me, also, as I am always struggling to be more spiritual and listen more to what God has to tell me. I know He guides us all every day but sometimes letting go of the reins completely and trusting that is a different story. There are always negative forces at work trying to steer us off our paths, which is why it’s twice as important to be on guard. I used to meditate a lot and agree wholeheartedly with Sr Julie that it truly puts you in touch with your own spirit, which can be lost in the chaos and noise of life all too often.
Sadly, somewhere along the line, I lost the discipline to meditate properly when I let external forces cloud everything. However, I am trying so hard to put time aside again as I have never felt better than when I stopped the world and my mind for an hour or so and opened myself up fully to God. I felt so calm and happy in myself, which I have lost at the moment, but I will get there again…and so will you. Just trust and let Him guide you….I know it’s not always easy but nothing worthwhile and precious ever is…there’s no-one better equipped for that job, after all! Good luck and God bless…Lee xxx
The great call within you is coming from the God who loves you beyond all you can imagine. I do not know what is right for your life, but I believe that if you keep listening to and trying to respond to the spiritual depths that have persisted with you for more than 15 years, that you will find a way out of the darkness.
I am thinking of you and will pray for you.
Iriesh -
As I read your words, I can feel your desire for a commitment to something beyond the day-to-day in both your own life and your relationship with your boyfriend. Many years ago, I was in a similar situation. I had been with my boyfriend for 10 years in an uncommitted relationship. I was afraid to force the issue, because he was the love of my life and I didn’t want to lose him. I don’t know where I got the courage , but one day driving down Rt. 16 in Boston, I proposed. I told him that if he did not want to marry me, I would have to move on. He veered off the road into a Dunkin Donuts parking lot and we talked it out. We have been married for 15 years. And once the purpose of my life was something larger than holding onto him, I had room in my heart for God.