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How do I deal with the “what ifs” while discerning a life commitment?
Question from a person discerning …
I have been in the midst of discerning my vocation for at least 3 years now, and it keeps on going back and forth between religious life and married life. However, I know if I have a family, I will always wonder what my life would have been like if I became a religious, and vice versa. I assume there will always be that wondering, and as you have the postulancy, you have even more time to decide? I am just worried that as more time passes, I will miss the deadline for becoming a member of a religious community and then realize that I missed my calling, that would be horrible. How does one deal with these problems that arise?
Yes, to an extent there is always that wondering, those “what if’s”. We can only ever make the best decision with the lights that we have at the moment. With religious life, there is plenty of time for discernment. In postulancy (or candidacy) you can have 6 months to a couple years, depending on the community. Then novitiate is another 2 years, then first vows 3 years. After all this time a person takes final vows which are binding for life. So, you’ve got time built into the process of becoming a nun. It gives you time to test it, see how it feels, and discern if this is what God is calling you to.
Ultimately we make sacrifices in any life commitment we choose. But making the commitment is itself so rewarding and what makes us most fully who we are. I have no regrets — I may wonder what it would be like to be married or have kids, but I haven’t ever regretted my decision because it truly “fits” for me.
As part of your discernment, I’d encourage you to consider what is preventing you from making the next step. Consider what it would be like to take a step toward one or the other. Get to know a religious community (if you don’t already) — really the best way to discern a vocation to religious life is to spend time with the community.
What other “what ifs” sneak up in your mind? How do you deal with the “what ifs”?
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Whatever decisions we make, large or small, branch out to other choices and close off other options. We can never know the outcomes. Religious life does provide a long period of discernment while “trying out” the life style; marriage, on the other hand, (at least according to the official rules) does not.
Robert Frost, in his poem, “The Road Not Taken” explores this question – here’s his conclusion:
I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.
Better not to try to look all the way down any path – choose the one that seems best and then give it your all.
All that has been said is right on the mark. It is very difficult to make a choice between two “goods”, two choices each with their own merits and certainly blessed in the sight of God. What I would add to this process is the guidance of a good spiritual director. A good director would ask the same question that Sr. Julie asked; “What is keeping you from taking the next step?” We can feel called to a ‘good’ thing for the wrong reasons. I spiritual director, particularly one experienced in working with those discerning a vocational call can be a tremendous help. As a vocation director I always ask those making inquiry with our community, “Have you been working with a spiritual director?”
Reminds me of the story of the donkey who starved to death while standing between two bales of hay because he couldn’t decide which to eat from first!
One way or another, a decision will be made, either actively–by choosing one option over another–or passively, by deciding not to decide and thereby letting life carry you along wherever it goes.
When faced with decisions like this, I make a list of the pros and cons of each choice, then let it cool off a bit. Then I read through the list later and see what my gut tells me, including watching out for red flags. Essentially, I mentally “try on” each decision/role. Ultimately, I usually wind up going with my gut feeling, or as Karol says, “following my heart.” But there’s one other important thing. Once you decide, don’t keep second-guessing yourself. As one friend said, “murder the alternatives and go ahead with your whole heart.”
Marg, I like the way you expressed following your gut (heart) feeling. I do much the same to make decisions. When it feels right, it almost always is right!
I too subscribe to the pros and cons list theory. Here’s what my discernment chart looks like.
and remember, feeling right might not always mean feeling happy (immediately). but right always leads to joy.
Sister Maxine and I were just talking about what constitutes “happy” and she was saying “happy” is a relatively recent goal among human beings. Will have to see if she can write a blog post about that.
I really like this sister’s question. She is struggling between serving God by becoming a nun or becoming a mother and wife. What good desires! I want to add my personal thoughts on the matter. Both of these paths sound hard and rewarding. When I think of the children that I have taught when being a substitute teacher, I remember the kids who reacted well with other kids and then the kids who had zero self-esteem and didn’t know how to treat others well. Then I meet the mom or dad and they picked the kids up after there morning or afternoon classes. the happiest, and most confiedent kids were picked up by parents who greeted me and were nice and attentive to there children. The kids who I thought were the “trouble children” were picked up by a dishevled parent who only berated their children and didn’t seem to notice me either.
I’m sharing this story to show you that mothers matter. You can serve God so much by teaching your children to be kind. Then your children will grow up as good, peaceful adults, or at least better off than the poor children who do not know love and kindness. If everyone in the world thought that parenting was good, important, and that of a higher calling, then I believe we would not have the social problems that we have today. So… please realize that being a mother is serving God.
Best wishes!