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During Advent, members of the A Nun’s Life community will be posting reflections on the Jesse Tree and the O Antiphons.
Day 7 :: Jacob written by Marla (reposted from last month)
Jacob Wrestling with God by Carl-Heinz Kliemann. Woodcut, 1962
Genesis 32 tells the story of Jacob wrestling with God. God actually instigates the match, and the two wrestle all night long. When God has accomplished whatever it was He set out to do (and we never really know what that is), He simply grabs Jacob’s hip bone, wounds him, giving him a reminder to carry with him for the remainder of his life, and let’s Jacob go. Nowhere does it say why the wrestling happened.
I think I might know a little something about that. I wrestle with God every day. It started when I was a kid and my life didn’t make sense with the God I was coming to know. Part of the reason I wrestle with God concerns the plea Jacob makes in Genesis: “I will not let You go unless You bless me!” Considering that God started the fight, this is a very curious plea, but I get it. It was Jacob’s cry, and it is most assuredly mine.
Years ago, after I first realized a personal attachment to this story of Jacob and God, I had to keep going back and re-reading the plea as doubts arose in my mind about the wording. Was it, “I will not let You go until You bless me?” Or “I will not let You go unless You bless me”?
The first version implies that God will, indeed, bless me eventually.
The second version is the correct one, however. “I will not let You go unless You bless me.” Unless. Meaning, God might choose never to bless me, but, by all that is holy, I’m not going to make not blessing me easy for God! I’m making clear exactly what I want from God, and until God agrees, here I am.
Maybe when God started our wrestling match, He never dreamed I would latch on and become a permanent fixture.
But He knows everything, right? Omniscience changes the flavor of the whole deal. God knew I was going to harass Him to the end of my days, just like He knew Jacob was going to be in it for the long haul.
Every night, before I sleep, my final words are, “Lord, hold onto me.” I wrestle even in my sleep. As my body decreases, my determination to cling to God increases.
Sometimes I beg for that blessing so that I might finally rest. Honestly, I think that’s exactly when I’ll get this particular blessing, too: right before I rest. In the meantime, I’ll hold on. I’ll keep up the fight. To stop without a blessing… that would just be wrong. That would be more than I could bear. “I will not let You go unless You bless me!”
Where there is a certain knowledge, a knowing, a faith, if you will, in the statement, “I will not let you go until You bless me,” there is a certain hope and an absolute determination in saying, “I will not let You go unless You bless me” I struggle mightily with faith. Determination? I have boatloads.
If God knew I would accept his challenge but never let go “unless You bless me,” maybe He wanted to make sure I stayed with Him throughout my life. Maybe he knew I would wander off if he appeased me with a blessing too early.
The hope is in believing He might never abandon me, and that if He did go away momentarily, at least I would have His blessing. Conversely, if I never received His blessing, at least I would know He would always be with me. We wouldn’t be casually walking along, either. We would be grappling, intimately embraced in a fight for my life.
Many days I yell at God. I am vocal and needy and demanding and pitiful. Other days I am quietly struggling. Aren’t we all all of these things and more as we discern God’s plan for our lives?
I’m guessing it was God’s plan all along that I grab hold and never let go. And I’ll bet that’s God’s plan for you, too.
* * Want to revisit the other symbols of Advent? Click here on Jesse Tree. * *
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{ 8 comments }
I love this blog Marla! I am not familiar with this passage so of course will need to read it more thoughtfully. I suspect when I have made it through Genesis – I do just that – make it through; not unlike driving on an interstate across a long, long road and I space out and don’t pay attention to what is passing. Thanks for reminding me that every day and every moment is an opportunity to seek God’s blessing and to feel God’s blessing. I enjoy your writing Marla!
Marla – a WONDERFUL blog! I so much appreciated your appropriation of this wrestling story! What powerful images you share! Thanks!
Awesome description of struggle Marla … yours and so many others. thank you for sharing this.
I loved this description of the struggle. I am at present preparing the liturgy book for my Golden Jubilee and one of my favourite hymns for the Eucharist is “Truly Yahweh Was in This Place” from Genesis 28:15-17. There have been so many times I have given up the struggle only to come back later and realise that God was there in the struggle all the time. I was also struck with the idea of it being part of God’s plan all along. During the year I have come across the quotation a couple of times that ” Our plans make God laugh” so that when I am frustrated now I simply pray “God please stop laughing” until I can say “OK your laughing is infectious. I am now laughing with you”.
Powerful, Marla! Thank you from all of us who have struggled.
Wonderful blog, Marla. I’d often wondered about the struggle and thought I was the only one who couldn’t discover what started it. Now that’s out of the way.
Your take on this is good. I hope you feel the blessing and realize that He doesn’t even go away momentarily.
I notice I’ve already commented Marla, so I’ll just say “ditto”! Enjoyed reading this again and saw different things this time.
I’m glad this post was brought back for the Jesse Tree project, Marla – because i is so exactly the right thing for today. I appreciated reading it again, because, like Barbara, I saw different things.
The image of “wrestling with angels,” “wrestling with God” have always resonated with me – and I have never read anything more powerful on this topic than this blog. I’m printing it off and keeping it for future “matches!” Because, for me, the wrestling just goes on and on . . .