I received this comment/question a little while ago and want to address it front and center because it is an important issue in religious life. It also follows a bit from Sister Susan’s post about Religious Life in the Age of Facebook.
Hello Sr. Julie. This is my first post and I would like to say how much I enjoy reading your blog. I didn’t know where to ask this question, so, I will put it here.
I am the youngest member in my congregation under 40. It’s very lonely at times. The the loneliness is difficult and I only meet with younger members from other congregations sporadically. Sometimes, I really feel like leaving my order because of the loneliness.
I am posting this because I know younger religious read your blog and thought your advice would be helpful. Thanks and God bless!
Dear Younger Sister,
So good to hear from you. I am very sorry to hear that you are having a rough time with feeling lonely. It can definitely be tough when you are the youngest one in a religious community and there’s no one near your age. You are not alone in the sense that other young religious feel the same way. Have you been able to talk about how you feel with a trusted friend in your congregation? Are you able to relate to people your own age outside of the community? For me it was helpful to stay in touch with friends my own age and to get to know colleagues with whom I minister and young people who attend my parish. I know it’s not the same as having young sisters in your own community, but it does help.
I had some struggles with the age thing for the first few years of my life with the community. I always felt (as much my own expectations as others’ expectations) like I had to mirror the religious life of my sisters who lived it as 50, 60, 70+ year-olds. I couldn’t exactly distinguish between what was a characteristic of age and what was a characteristic of religious life. It took time, and the help of wise mentors, to find my way. Not always easily, but authentically and with trust in God, in my Sisters, and in myself.
Never forget that you are a gift to the community and that you have much to offer. They need you there and are open to being changed, “formed” as it were, by you just as much as you are to being changed by them. Spend time with the Sisters who “get” you and who can help you grown in religious life in an age-appropriate way.
A few weeks ago when I was home in Monroe at my IHM Motherhouse, I brought my laptop in with me when I went to visit a dear friend, Sister Annunciata (”Nuncie”), who will be 100 years old in August. She is a light in my life and I can always feel her prayers with me. After chatting for a while, I pulled out the laptop and explained a bit more about my blog and my ministry online. I took her through the blog and read her some posts and comments (wireless Internet at the Motherhouse is totally awesome). She was so happy for me and proud that I was extending gospel hospitality and the IHM mission online. It meant the world to me that she could rejoice in what I was doing even though she herself had never been on the Internet.
It is nuns like Nuncie who see the gift that you are and can encourage it by even the twinkle in her eye. Find your Nuncies and don’t be afraid to let your light shine. Loneliness is definitely a reality, but don’t let it consume you or prevent you from experiencing new kinds of relationships. At the same time, find ways to connect with younger people. And come online and hang out with younger sisters. There are a bunch of us on Facebook too. Perhaps we should form our own online forum just to hang out with and encourage one another.
My prayers are with you, Younger Sister. Please feel free to email me anytime if you’d like to connect — sisterjulie (at) anunslife (dot) org.
Sister Julie
P.S. The idea of having a space for younger religious to congregate online is not a bad idea. If you are 45 and under and interested in this possibility, let me know by following this link: Survey for Catholic Religious 45 and Under. You can also comment below.
"She wrote the way she lived: on the fly, without retrospect, always on the way, climbing higher."
{ 15 comments… read them below or add one }
When I was reading your “letter” to younger religious, something struck me. Your friend, Nuncie, the 100-year old sister, is, in some ways, living a situation similar to your own. Most sisters are in their 60s, 70s and 80s. Being 100, she is a “minority” of sorts just as you are. As few sisters remember what it was like to live in the 1920s as do those growing up in the 1990s!
Just an observation.
dee
We all should have a Nuncie in our life, not just Sisters. I have an older and wise friend who has that sparkle in her eye and is such a blessing in my life. It’s a wonderful relationship to have. Made me think of “Fried Green Tomatoes” the relationship between Jessica C. and Kathy Bates.
I was originally inspired to respond (ramble) with some of these thoughts to the news of Sr. Susan’s profession of first vows on her blog, but after reading these recent posts, I wanted to comment here as well.
First, I am an occasional religious life blog lurker (and a 40-something lifetime discerner, career corporate executive turned volunteer / employee of a religious congregation.)
I wanted to put out there a few observations about the EFFECT and AFFECT of the blog as a medium of exploring the lives, experiences and emotions of those living and immersing themselves into religious life (and integrating that life into everything).
Certainly,one “effect” has been the visible representation of God’s hand in your growth in the charism with which you first fell in love, which defined your decision to enter your community, and now embraces you fully as a vowed member. You certainly walk the walk of the talk you talk (as your IHM centarian friend and mentor, Nuncie, so simply pointed out to you!). How important is that in today’s world.
Next, the exciting and motivational “affect” of the presence and witness of religious life today your blogs offer is real gift. The glimpse of the life and experiences of today’s sisters who are willing to share their “real life” stories online have created these wonderful, integrated communities of connection, inspiration and support. They also reflect life circumstances and relationships (it is called religious life, after all)of today’s times and how religious life and ministry fits in to these times (as it always has and hopefully always will continue to respond to the events, challenges, needs and people of the day).
This is such an important message of connection you keep delivering so faithfully out there, because it updates the images of old rhetoric, structures and the sometimes superficial mystery of the habits and convents that can distance religious life, in some minds, from real life. Of course, the old images still sell many a greeting card and satirical book and play, as well as attracts the camera operators every time the ceremonious church surrounds the altar and its hierarchy with full-habited representatives first and at the forefront(oops, sounds like a Sr. Julie rant, now).
Anyway, such witness of religious life and living religiously is not only brought to others through this interactive medium, but brought out in others as well — as demonstrated time and time again by all of the responses and comments people feel free enough to share.
There is so much searching out here - so much passion and desire seeking God’s will and real relationship with Jesus. These blogs and messages are such positive reinforcers for those on the journey and those still seeking their way.
The fact that there are those who are willing to not only share their life with God and others, but also reveal their thoughts and feelings about it as well, is a wonderful ministry in and of itself.
Many thanks to you and others who are willing to co-create this special space with us. Please know an entire community that you have welcomed to this online world prays and celebrates with you the milestones, like Sr. Susan’s first profession, and the everydays!
Thanks and Blessings to all who read, respond, lurk and find spiritual support, hope and consolation in these blogs.
P.S. Please pray for and keep including those of us 40+ late bloomers and discerners. Remember, 50 is the new 30!
I’m the youngest by about 7 years and find it tough going sometimes.
I was in a different state for pre-novitiate (postulancy) and found there several sisters who I felt “got” me and I could just be free to be me. But in this state there’s fewer sisters and a bigger age gap and it’s tough.Finding those people, whatever their age, helped me enormously.
I believe that God calls me just as I am but it’s awfully tempting sometimes to try to be someone else, to act like I’m 60 just to fit in. I know it wouldn’t be healthy or sustainable but it’s tiring sometimes to feel like I’m constantly stretching the community, and stretching myself to meet them.
Thanks for the post I really appreciate it.
Thanks for the discussion. It seems I will always be one of the “younger sisters”, even though I am 50 and have been in my community for 24 years.
I know the newer members of our congregation consider their main peer group to be those in other congregations who entered at about the same time they did.
I imagine there are other peer networks for sisters who are in similar ministries, just as there are networks for lesbian religious or women religious in 12-step recovery programs, etc…
I hope that if an active under-45 network evolves, there will be some way for those of us who may have passed that age limit, but who either totally get or want to totally get what our younger members are saying, to learn from you so we can be more welcoming.
Dear 40+, I just read your thoughtful comment more closely. It’s a great articulation of what I believe about the value of my own blog ministry. I plan to send this on to our sisters as I continue to encourage them to participate, either with their own blogs, or as guests on mine.
I have found that at most jobs or places I go, I am younger than everyone else. I have worked places where I was at least 20 years younger than everyone else and it can be lonely. On the flip side, I now work with people my own age and find them immature and shallow and they don’t get me too well. We can’t talk about anything too real or about who I am at all. One thing I miss about working with older collegues is the ability to be myself. I miss the real conversations and the arguments. I am looking at being IHM and I know I will be the “baby”. Sister Julie, you met me at Sister Katherine’s final profession of vows; I was with Sister Mary Bea.
dee, A very good observation. Often I’ve found that the sisters 70+ can more easily relate to my youthfulness more so than those in their 50s-60s. I think in some ways they are in a different stage of life, one that is clearly different from being a 30 year old and so they can take it for what it is, not what it should be and not have to be like them. (Awkward phrasing but I hope you get what I mean.)
DJC, Yes! we should all have our Nuncies!
40+, Wow, what a great articulation of the value of religious blogging and being online. Like Sandy, I’m going to pass that along to my IHM Sisters. And of course, let us keep one another in prayer. (P.S. I am preparing for another possible rant this week on inauthentic images of religious … we all need a good rant every once in a while!
)
Sarah, I hear you 100% — “I believe that God calls me just as I am but it’s awfully tempting sometimes to try to be someone else, to act like I’m 60 just to fit in. I know it wouldn’t be healthy or sustainable but it’s tiring sometimes to feel like I’m constantly stretching the community, and stretching myself to meet them.” This is a tough place to be, and many of us have been and are there.
Sandy, you are so sweet! Thank you for being understanding and supportive of young religious. Having a cut-off age is so tough to do, but I assure you that when a forum/network becomes available (soon! — I’m coding my phpBB heart out!) then you and others are welcome to be part of it.
Melissa, Hello, again! I do remember meeting you. You and Sandy raised some good points about age which I didn’t address in my post. Chronological age is not all that factors in here. You can be like Sandy and be totally youthful and embracing of people 20, 30 years younger. On the flip side, young people, especially those considering religious life, often find that their peers are nowhere near where they are in terms of maturity and reflectiveness. Like you, Melissa, I treasured my “older-than-I” Sisters as I was discerning because with them I could talk about things they understood, feelings about God and dreams about who I was becoming. True, they might not have been hip to the latest trends in the lives of twenty-something-year-olds, but they connected with me on a very significant and deep level.
Julie, and your readers: the dear “Nuncie” whose story you related in your blog just died this morning, July 9 at 10:08 AM. We have lost an IHM elder treasure! Peace be to her.
Julie–thanks for you ever illuminating blog! I am and have always been very proud of you. I keep you in prayers with special ministry of yours. Keep it coming!
I would like to comment on the young sister who feels the loneliness. I understand her experience but as an 80 year old who celebrates 62 years in religious life there are times when “elders” feel lonely as well. I have experienced this at different times in my life and probably will do so until I die. I do think it is part of the human journey no matter what life style we may be living. I know of married women with a house full of family members who are very lonely. There are older religious women than myself with whom I visit in our Health Care who experience loneliness. In my ministry, I knew elderly widowed men and women living by themselves who felt great loneliness.Loneliness is felt at all levels of life and in all sorts of professions and work areas. And if I can assume(I’m not a theologian) I think Christ Himself felt lonely—especially in the Garden of Gethsemane but even on days and nights when the Apostles didn’t seem to get what he was saying.So, Julie,your advice to the young sister is worth abiding by and I certainly will keep her in prayers.
Thank you for sharing. Hope to see you soon.
Josephine ihm
Rest in peace, my dear, dear Sister. I miss you already. Love, Julie
Aww…God bless her. She sounded like a treasure.
Thank you, Sr. Annunciata IHM, for nearly a century of treasured “YES-es” to God’s call. Thank you, Sr. Julie, for giving us a glimpse of this wonderful Sister who has surely left you and your community her wisdom and light. She has found her ultimate grace with God. She lives on… and through the internet, no less!! Amen! Alleluia!
Dear Julie - beautiful post and response to our young and sometimes lonely sister. Blessings on the loss of your “Nuncie” who sounds like a wonderful companion for this world and the next. Peace and prayers, Christine
Thanks for all your support. It means a lot to me. I’m going home to our Motherhouse tomorrow for community meetings and celebrations — my first thought was to go visit Nuncie. I’m sure I’ll be doing that for a while. But maybe now I’ll go out for a walk and have a chat with her and with Helen, a dear friend of Nuncie’s — they are together again and I miss them both.
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