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We are all familiar with the Our Father Prayer’s line that says: forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us. Being forgiven and forgiving someone else goes hand in hand and both are difficult.
Lent is designed for us to examine ourselves and our sins. I know my archdiocese asks every parish to offer the sacrament of reconciliation on Wednesday evenings during Lent. I will be taking advantage of this opportunity and encouraging others to do so.
Let me say the prayer line again: Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us. Confession focuses on that first part, forgive us our trespasses, but that second part, as we forgive those who trespass against us, is extremely challenging for me.
This Lent I decided I wanted to focus on forgiving others. The sister I live with loaned me a book called, "The Book of Forgiving" by Desmond Tutu and his daughter Mpho Tutu. Desmond Tutu won a Nobel peace prize for chairing South Africa’s Truth and Reconciliation Commission in the 1990s.
In the book the Tutus start talking about the myths of forgiving: it is not easy, not quick, not showing weakness, not forgetting what happened, and not subverting justice. Instead forgiving is: hard, it takes courage and time, you do remember what happened, and there is healing and justice.
The lesson that impressed me most is: when you forgive others, you are actually freed from being held hostage by your negative emotions. Let me share a small example from my life that demonstrates this lesson.
I was praying with the chapter entitled, "Telling Your Story" the day after my birthday and a memory bubbled up about a past birthday 15 years ago. I was in formation, and I was in this monthly prayer group. After the February meeting, the prayer group decided to set the date for our next meeting, which happened to be my birthday, but I already had a commitment at the same time for a formation gathering. Somehow, I remember thinking I could catch the end of the prayer group because it was literally just down the hall from where the formation gathering was meeting. Ah youth when you think you can double book yourself on your calendar and bilocate!
Well of course it did not work out, and I did not make it to my prayer group. Later that evening I was eating dinner in the Motherhouse dining room with two of the prayer group sisters. They informed me that someone had brought the makings for root beer floats to celebrate my birthday. But these two sisters decided for the group to go ahead and eat the floats versus waiting when I was present next month.
I remember asking why didn’t they save the ice cream and root beer for next month. Their reply was why wait when the treat was there, and you weren’t. They were not remorseful and quite pleased they had a treat. Being a younger sister and being taught to be respectful of my elders, I stuffed my anger and resentment.
So here I am 15 years later, experiencing that same anger as if it was yesterday. It was a strong emotion, and I had not forgiven them. From reading the book, it is important to relive the events, express your feelings, and tell the story so that you can forgive.
Telling and writing the story takes the emotional sting out of it and through reflection I see where I was at fault with double booking two commitments. My hunch is the sisters don’t remember the incident as it was such a small event. Working through this story has taught me the necessity of addressing negative emotions. If you choose to ignore them, they do not go away on their own.
My prayer is that this Lent may we not only go to confession for our own sins, but may we release ourselves from hate and anger for those who have sinned against us. Who do you need to forgive?
