Is God giving me the cold shoulder?

Sister Rejane  
This Random Nun Clip is brought to you by A Nun's Life Ministry.

Sister Maxine  
Shannon, our last question comes in from Noreen from the Philippines. And Noreen writes: "When I was in college, way back in 2015, I admit that I doubted God. But now there's something in my heart that wants God. The idea has popped into my head that maybe God is calling me to do something." And Noreen continues: "Recently, I had a dream where I'm walking to a country called Jeremiah. I even asked on Quora"--and for those who may not be familiar with it, that is a question-and-answer platform on the internet--"I even asked on Quora what it means. And someone said, 'Maybe it's God's calling.' Then while I was reading your blog at A Nun's Life, I was shocked that it mentioned Jeremiah. I haven't been praying to God for so long because of what I did, because I doubted God for those six years. I am crying for doing that. But I want to have a heart-to-heart talk with God. And so I'll cry to God." Thank you, Noreen for your email. And you know, Shannon, Noreen doesn't ask outright, but she seems to have a number of things she's mulling over here: Does God communicate through dreams and coincidences? If we ignore God, does God ignore us too? Get the cold shoulder from God? And then how do you go about rebuilding a relationship?

Sister Shannon  
Really key questions in what she's suffering. This is thoughtful consideration of the relationship, which is already, I think, a call from God. Does God communicate through dreams? Absolutely. There are countless stories in the Scriptures where those that God was calling came to know it through a dream. I think about Isaiah, for example, and Joseph in the book of Genesis--that they he received dreams that told them what to do next, or where to go next, or sort of predicted his future. So I think that you've been thinking about these things, Noreen. And perhaps that's where it's come from.

Sister Maxine  
She mentions coincidence, too. And it may be because that was in the back of your mind already, Noreen: when you heard these things, it registered with you. It may have felt like coincidence, but maybe there was something that was already going on inside of you.

Sister Shannon  
Noreen, I don't know what your awareness of the Bible is, how much you've studied it in your life, what you've been exposed to. But Jeremiah is one of the most important prophets that appears in the Old Testament. He was an eighth-century prophet, and he was called by God when he was kind of young. And he resists at first; he says to God, "Don't call me. I'm too young. What have I got to offer? What have I got to say?"

Sister Maxine  
Kind of doubting God's judgment about age!

Sister Shannon  
That's right. And God says, "Don't say you're too young. Wherever I call you, you go. You do what I ask you to do." And so Jeremiah goes along with it. And he's experiencing a lot of problems because the people are rebelling against God. And God is trying to warn them that if they don't get their act together, they're going to be taken over by a warring people called the Babylonians. No matter what Jeremiah tells them, they treat him badly. They throw him in a pit, and they do all kinds of things to poor Jeremiah. And so he finally gets fed up with God, and he writes these letters to God where He says, "I'm done with you." If you look in your Bible, in the Book of Jeremiah, chapter 20, you'll find this lovely story, where Jeremiah says to God, "You've duped me, Lord, and I've allowed myself to be duped. Deceived. You told me to do this, and you were just messing with me. And it's not real."

Sister Maxine  
"All the terrible things have happened."

Sister Shannon  
Bad things have happened. And then he says, "I'm never speaking your name again. I'm never talking to you." It puts me in mind of Noreen--she kind of doubts God for a while. And then he says--in the same chapter, he says, "It burns like fire in my soul, and I get tired of holding it in and I must speak. I must talk about God, I have to let it go. I have to be the Prophet. I have to respond." I don't know why you dreamt about going to the city of Jeremiah, but that story is powerful for you, I think, Noreen, because there is something in there. God is calling you to begin to believe again. And obviously you're longing for that in your life.

Sister Maxine  
And Noreen talks about crying to God. I think that's a perfectly fine way to communicate with God.

Sister Shannon  
Absolutely.

Sister Maxine  
You know, the God who has not ignored you at all. I think sometimes we forget, we ourselves are not always fully present to God, but God's always fully present to us.

Sister Shannon  
We've seen in our lives people that have abandoned friends or family members and gotten angry with them and refuse to talk. And we've also witnessed reconciliation. And what that means when two people that have not spoken with one another or have not loved one another come back together and are sorry and realize the loss that they experienced. I think there's a little bit of that going on in you, Noreen, and you don't have to worry for one second that God doesn't have arms wide open for you.

Sister Maxine  
Yeah, because there's -- about the relationship: what if you get rejected, you know, after all of what has happened? But I think our God is always, always calling us back.

Sister Shannon  
A perfect story for you, Noreen, is the story of the son who asks for his inheritance in advance. And he's the youngest son, and his father decides to give it to him. And then he goes off, and he blows it on drink and fun and all of that, and then he realizes what he's done. And he tells himself, he's going to go back and reconcile with his father, and he's making up what he's gonna say, as he's walking back home. "I'm gonna say, 'Father, I don't deserve to be your son. Make me your hired slave'"--because the poor kid was hungry. You know, he had no money left. He's eaten the leftovers of the pigs--a deep place to fall when you are a Jewish man.

Sister Maxine  
And it's very apparent to himself that he did fall, and he messed up big time.

Sister Shannon  
He messed up big time. So when he comes back, what does he see? His dad's waiting. The light's on. He embraces his son. He gives him new clothes. He puts a ring on his finger. There's no recrimination. There's no, "Son, you need a haircut. When was the last time you had a bath? What did you do with all my money? Where have you been?" None of that!

Sister Maxine  
He's been waiting. He's been waiting. 

Sister Shannon  
He's just been waiting. And I think that that is waiting for you, Noreen.

Sister Maxine  
That's a beautiful way to look at that too. And you know, in terms of her capacity to respond, I hear her wrestling with herself a little bit here. Noreen, where you feel--it sounds to me--guilty that you doubted God. But depending on your stages of development as a person, that's not unusual.

Sister Shannon  
No. And I would imagine in that story from the Bible that the son still felt ashamed, that he cried when his father embraced him and expressed love toward him, that he still had to work through the choices that he had made and get secure again in that relationship with his father. Even though his father is being magnanimous--as I think our God is--he still probably had to wrestle through what it meant to be home, and with his dad again, and would his dad trust him? And would the relationship mend? And I like to think yes, absolutely.

Sister Maxine  
And throughout our life, I think we encounter situations--all of us--that put us in sort of the position that you are in, Noreen, trying to find our way back in relationship. The other thing that is here in your question, Noreen, is the sense of doubting God. And I think that is part of our faith development over time. 

Sister Shannon  
Absolutely. 

Sister Maxine  
When we are younger, we may have one understanding of God. And as we get older, all of a sudden, we realize, well, not so much. And we have doubts. It may come as doubts about God. But I think that's not unusual.

Sister Shannon  
Often our faith is based on what our teachers told us, what our parents told us, what our grandparents told us. And we have to reach the point in our own spiritual development where we become adults, and we believe because we do believe. I like to think of that as reappropriating our faith as grownups. And so what you've been through, the time of doubt, the so-called six years of not being sure if God was even around, that is so normal and natural. But so is this call to renew that relationship. 

Sister Maxine  
Because in a sense, it's reappropriating God, too. You know, the God that you needed when you're a kid is not the same God that you need when you're an adult.

Sister Shannon  
That's right. 

Sister Maxine  
It's also the idea of rebuilding that relationship with God. You know, here we are near Lent, and we look at the idea of prayer. You mentioned, Noreen, crying your prayer, which is good. And there may be other ways. Reading the passages that Shannon suggested might be very good as well. 

Sister Shannon  
Even if you consider for a moment, as you prepare for Easter, and you participate in Lent, the beautiful story of Jesus's Agony in the Garden, when he in his own prayer begins to weep, because of what God has called him to and his own feelings. And how he comes through that and is comforted by the presence of God in his prayer. I just think that these 40 days could be very special for Noreen, because she's right there at the edge of recognizing God's action in her life.

Sister Maxine  
And it can be such a time of great vulnerability too. To have that kind of openness, Noreen, of wanting to have that heart-to-heart talk with God, and at the same time feeling like, "Geez, you know, I totally ignored God for six years, and now I'm opening myself up to this relationship and what's God gonna do? And how am I gonna react?" It's a graced place to be, but also a difficult place.

Sister Shannon  
I think, Noreen, consider who are the wisdom people in your life that you might talk with, that you could share this story with. People that you trust, that you know have a faith relationship, that could listen and be a guide for you. It's so important for us to draw upon the wisdom of our community of faith. Because many people have experienced what you have, and might have some wisdom to share with you.

Sister Maxine  
That's a great idea. Because a lot of times, if we are so focused and sort of nervous--and I get a sense of nervousness here from Noreen--on what we have to do to try to make something right, it can be overwhelming. And sometimes we are tougher than other people on ourself. And certainly tougher on ourselves than God would be. And it may help to be with people who aren't going to be as tough as you are on yourself here.

Sister Shannon  
Noreen, you can count on us for prayers for you, as you move through this next development in your relationship with God.

Sister Maxine  
We hope that helps, Noreen. And please keep in touch with us. And we trust that the very best will come of this.

Sister Shannon  
Have a beautiful season of Lent.

Sister Rejane  
To hear full episodes of A Nun's Life podcasts, visit the podcast page at anunslife.org/podcasts.

This transcript has been lightly edited for readability.